A purple farwell (2003-02-18)

Dear An-drew-ew,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm not sure why this is considering that I broke up our friendship over a year ago and we haven't spoken since. I don't even regret ending it. It was no longer working for either of us, and you were not treating me the way that you used to and I couldn't adjust to the weird changes that our relationship was going through and how horrible my supposed best friend was being, so I ended it.

I guess I realised today though that I needed to write you a letter that you'll never read when my friend asked me 'How long were you with Andrew' and as per usual I gave a response that was only partially true...

I have been asked that goddamned question so many times you'd think I'd have an answer prepared that wouldn't upset me and would still be honest, but I still get caught off gaurd and end up lying (in part). I told her that it was hard to specify a time period because we were really good friends, then more than friends, then back to being friends again and so I'd estimate it at about 3 months give or take.

But you and I both know that that isn't entirely truthful. The truth is I don't know that we were ever together and so I tend to refer to you as my 'ex-friend' rather than my 'ex-boyfriend'. But the REAL truth is that I loved you so much and for so long that I have trouble distinguishing when we were 'just friends' and when we weren't. It doesn't help that despite the way that you felt about me, you never did anything about the way you used to look at me, you never kissed me Andrew, but despite this fact I would probably classify you as the most serious boyfriend I've had to date.

It's not your fault of course. I didn't kiss you either, and it was actually me who couldn't make up her mind. That has to be one of the few things I do regret in my life, and if I could go back three years and do it all over again I would. One thing I do need you to understand was that it wasn't because I didn't love you- quite the opposite in fact. I loved you so much that I almost threw up when I had to watch you kiss another girl in the school play.I loved you so much that it hurt to tell you to get out of my life. I loved you so much that I couldn't bring myself to push our relationship onto the next level, in case I lost you totally.

Yet it happened anyway.

I did actually harbour some hope that we would reconcile and somehow get back to the way we were, and this time I would swallow back my fear and kiss you and touch you in the way that I wanted to and make love with you surrounded by the purple that we both loved so much. But that didn't happen did it? You lost your virginity in a totally heinous way, with your best friend's girlfriend. Even thinking about it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I think it was at that point that I realised exactly how much you had changed. And how much I did really love you- because even though you didn't ever cheat on me, and you slept with her after I told you to fuck off, I would never have thought that you were capable of doing what you did, and when I found out that you had I felt all that I had felt for you dying, like a candle exstinguishing itself, finally burning itself out.

So here's to you, the way you were before, the way that you were when you loved me, the person that I loved, but realised it too late.

Goodbye Andrew

heart - break

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