What now? (2003-03-03)

Dear Amos,

You may be wondering why you deserve a letter, and I guess it's because you are totally perplexing me! I mean you were so open and honest and cute and funny and you really really liked me, enough to kiss ME, someone that most people find scary. Yet you haven't called me and I don't understand it.

Is it because M warned you off me?

Is it because you did end up sleeping with her and are now too ashamed to face me?

Is it because I was jumpy that night?

But I guess what I most want to know, is what to do now? I mean I spent so long hemming and hawing about whether or not to call you as I wasn't sure I really WANTED something. I finally decided that at the very least I wanted you as a friend and then maybe more once I got to know you, so I worked up the courage to call you, yet now it seems that it was all for nothing!

I wonder if it's my own fault, my indecision about what I wanted from you was decided for me by fate. Maybe the Goddess brought you to me to tell me something....as ridiculous as this sounds, maybe you were meant to show me that I need to really resolve what I want, not just say I want a relationship when I really don't. Maybe she's trying to tell me that if I really want it, truly want it, more than ANYTHING else, it's out there and easy enough to arrange, but that I should be careful about what I wish for and make sure I'm really ready for it first.

You see you kissed me and two things predominantly ran through my head.

1. Why aren't fireworks going off in my stomach right now? (I think this was due to M being a psycho hose beast and watching us like a hawk all night)

2. What happens when you want more?

This has to be the under current of fear that has belied any 'relationship' that I have ever had. I am terrified of someone wanting to sleep with me, which is why I am so closed off. Which is why I have always stopped myself from loving someone (andrew being the exception to the rule), which is why I freaked out and didn't call you for ages.

But I thought that you might be worth working past that. So I tried, but you have remained incommunicado and now I have no idea what's going on.

So what happens now Amos, can you tell me that?


heart - break

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