Am I worth it? (2003-03-09)

Dear Amos,

So here I am, writing to you again. This time however, it is not because you are not in my life, but rather because I cannot actually bring myself to speak these words to you in person. Iím sorry Iím just not brave enough. Iím sorry for a lot of things now that I come to think of it.

Iím sorry I misjudged you.

Iím sorry that I donít have the strength to work past my fear.

Iím sorry I hurt you yesterday, by breaking up with you before we even had a chance to be together. But you have to understand, I just couldnít deal with it. Not the M stuff, although that is what I told you and what I would have had you believe, but the way that I felt around you. I couldnít handle the fear that continued to overwhelm me yesterday.

I had thought that the weird uncomfortable feeling I got when I was with you that first night, was just due to the uncomfortable situation we were in, given that M was acting possessive and all that, but I realised yesterday that it wasnít. You touched me and that same feeling came over me, part excitement, but mostly fear, it was pure adrenaline coursing through my system creating a Ďfight or flightí instinct. To put it simply Amos, you touch me and my entire body freaks out on a cellular level. I canít control it, I tried yesterday and failed miserably.

I know people are meant to feel excited when someone they like touches them, but this is different. My body is so damn afraid of a man touching it that it makes all of my muscles stiffen and my stomach seize up so much that I almost start retching. That was why I freaked out and pulled away when you were playing with my feet and holding my hands yesterday. I, as in ME, my actual essence of self, loved the fact that someone was touching my feet, and knew that it was out of affection, empathically I could even feel the way that you just thought I was gorgeous and wanted to show that through touch.

But my bodyÖgod Amos, my body! It was making me absolutely postal and thatís why I had to break up with you, before things got any more serious and I actually vomited right in the middle of the botanic gardens. How could I try and have a relationship with you when thatís happening? It really is that bad, and I just donít know how to get past it, I donít know if I CAN get past it. So I circumvented the whole thing and just pulled the Ďletís just be friendsí card, so that I wouldnít have to deal with it.

I tried to pretend to myself, that I was doing the right thing, the best thing for both of us, that we would be better as friends than as a coupleÖ.but deep down I knew that was a lie. I mean maybe it really is the best thing, I guess that time will tell if we can actually be friends, but I know that it wasnít right. How can any decision made out of complete irrationality and overwhelming fear, ever be the right choice?

So Iím sorry, but I honestly didnít know what else to do, I still donít know what to do. I know that I meant it when I said that I wanted us to be friends, youíre too damn special for me to relinquish you from my life completely, but is that actually possible? You took it pretty well yesterday, but you still tried to hold my hand and you still squeezed me so damn tight, that I know that you never wanted to let me go.

I wonder if being friends is going to be as hard for you as being lovers would be for me. I wonder if I can actually prevent myself from slipping into a relationship despite myself. I wonder if that would really be such a bad thing, because after all, who or what am I really afraid of? I know the answer to that, and itís definitely not you.

But the real question, the question that has been plaguing me since yesterday is, is what we could have worth all the pain and confusion that I would have to go through to get it? And would you actually stick around to see me through it? Do I mean enough to you, for you to be able to go through what I will certainly put you through? The question you need to answer is, am I really worth it Amos?

- Me

heart - break

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