I don't care (2003-03-16)

Dear Amos,

So I've had some more time to think about it, and there's something I really feel I have to say to you. Don't lie to me. Don't pretend with me, don't even TRY.

I've had a little more time to analyse things since yesterday and I've come to some conclusions. The first is that you like me a lot more than you are willing to admit, even to yourself. The second is that this terrifies you. You feel that you should respect the fact that I just want to be friends, yet you can't help wanting me.

Yes, I do know that you want me, I see it in your eyes, I feel it when you touch me, I hear it when you have to concentrate on your breathing when I sit too close to you. You want me so much, your desire becomes almost a tangible thing. I know that you have dreamt about me in the last week and I know that you feel a connection with me you don't really understand.

See I told you, I know things about people- and don't think I didn't notice how worried you were when I said that. For a split second you were terrified that I would know the truth about how much you want me. The funny thing is, I do know. I know that you have woken up in a cold sweat, drenched in desire, because you dreamed that I was in your bed, touching you. I also know that I don't mind.

You're lucky that I didn't get deep enough to be able to actually 'see' what you saw. Give me a few more hours with you though, and I'll be able to draw you a picture of your own thought. I know that it is bad of me to see things that should be private, and feel what you are feeling, but please understand that I don't try to. When I'm with you, I'm just thinking of you and how much I'm growing to like you, how much I wish my body wasn't freaking me out. I am not conscious of the information that my mind is gathering.

It is not until later, when I am in bed at night, or I am meditating, or drawing, does the information present itself to me. Not until I am ready to analyse things piece by piece, do I realise exactly how much I have found out about someone. I have been doing this since I was very young, and it has been both and asset and a hindrance.

I'd like to think that it will eventually be something I can tell you about, that you will accept. Until then, I will gather what I can of you, soak up your soul, analyse the things that you cannot bring yourself to say and hope that one day we can both work through our respective fears enough to be able to be honest with eachother. Because the truth is, I've already seen a fair chunk of what you are afraid to have me know, and I don't care.

- Me

heart - break

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