Dear Pommar

Why is loneliness so damn hard to deal with? I can handle being angry, I even revel in it sometimes, but being alone is always my undoing. Hell, I�d even prefer grief to the way I�m feeling right now. I feel like I�ve stepped back into my old uncomfortable skin, become the vulnerable, emotionally unstable person I once was, but never wanted to be.

�Stepping back into my old uncomfortable skin.

Emotion smothers me in gossamer strands.

Life slips elusively from my grasp.

I hate what I once was and

I cannot bear what I have become.�

Mhmm I like that. Yet I truly hate the feeling behind it. I hate feeling that I don�t matter, I hate feeling that all that shit I thought I had once left behind, still suffocates me. Will I ever be free of it? Times like this, it seems that I never will, that my scars will be a part of me forever. I know if you were here, you�d tell me that you loved me and then send me off to do some work with your rose quartz, but you�re not here are you?

I guess that�s half the problem. There are only three people that I know I matter to. Yet one of them is dead, another, despite her love for me, can never put me first and the one and only person for whom I am first priority lives across the other side of the country. Goddess I miss her�and you.

I am just so damn scattered right now. I feel like I don�t have a solid grip on anything and life is running through my fingers like water. I hate feeling so emotionally psychotic. I like stability, I like control and I seem to have neither right now. Why does this continue to happen? Just when I feel like I have a handle on things, everything goes to hell.

I hate feeling like this.

heart - break