I hate feeling like this (2003-04-03)

Dear Pommar

Why is loneliness so damn hard to deal with? I can handle being angry, I even revel in it sometimes, but being alone is always my undoing. Hell, I’d even prefer grief to the way I’m feeling right now. I feel like I’ve stepped back into my old uncomfortable skin, become the vulnerable, emotionally unstable person I once was, but never wanted to be.

‘Stepping back into my old uncomfortable skin.

Emotion smothers me in gossamer strands.

Life slips elusively from my grasp.

I hate what I once was and

I cannot bear what I have become.’

Mhmm I like that. Yet I truly hate the feeling behind it. I hate feeling that I don’t matter, I hate feeling that all that shit I thought I had once left behind, still suffocates me. Will I ever be free of it? Times like this, it seems that I never will, that my scars will be a part of me forever. I know if you were here, you’d tell me that you loved me and then send me off to do some work with your rose quartz, but you’re not here are you?

I guess that’s half the problem. There are only three people that I know I matter to. Yet one of them is dead, another, despite her love for me, can never put me first and the one and only person for whom I am first priority lives across the other side of the country. Goddess I miss her…and you.

I am just so damn scattered right now. I feel like I don’t have a solid grip on anything and life is running through my fingers like water. I hate feeling so emotionally psychotic. I like stability, I like control and I seem to have neither right now. Why does this continue to happen? Just when I feel like I have a handle on things, everything goes to hell.

I hate feeling like this.

heart - break

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