Hurt like hell (2003-04-10)

Dear Amos,

So here we are. Despite this diary being for unsent letters to my dead grandmother, you figure more within these pages than she does. Maybe because for all her flaky-ness she was not as hard to deal with and a helluva lot easier to understand!

You say you don't want a relationship: yet you hold my hand and would have kissed me on Saturday if I would have let you. So yeah, I've basically established that that's crap.

So what are we?

Despite my best intentions to just remain friends, we are so not just friends! It seems that I have fallen into a relationship despite myself. I'm still deciding if that is something I want to let happen or not.

The problem is there are two things that I really should tell you:

1. That I don't know if I could ever love you the way that you seem to be falling in love with me (my don't I sound arrogant?). I don't know if I'm even CAPABLE of that kind of love.

2. I definitely know that I can't have a sexual relationship with you. I just don't think I can overcome my fear, or at the very least not now.

Yet as important as these two things are to say before this thing, whatever it is, goes any further, I find myself tongue tied every time I even try. I cannot bring myself to be vulnerable and to just put my problems out there. I mean, what if you reject me?

I know I have to though. I just don't want to, because I know that one way or another, one of us is going to get hurt and it's going to hurt like hell.

heart - break

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