Why damnitt? (2003-05-10)

Dear Dad,

Why do I let you rule my life? Why does what you did to me, continually ruin everything? Why can't I resolve what's past? Why can't I shake it???

You're in England now, so for once I should be able to relax, not worrying if the person on the other end of the phone will be you, not worrying that I'm going to bump into you. Yet I still can't. I am so stressed out and as always when that happens, the memories that I try so hard to ignore, haunt me with a vengeance.

Why did you have to do what you did?

Couldn't you see what it would do to me?

Why can't you see that the past is ruining my life and it's all your fault?

Why can't I forget?

Why can't I hate you the way you deserve to be hated?

You're the shithead who ruined everything and I hope you have to live every second of everyday knowing what you did and what that makes you. That's right, what YOU did, not me! Fuck you and fuck the past, it does not rule my life.

Now all I have to do is believe it.

-The one who wishes she could bring herself to hate you.

heart - break

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