Can I get it back? (2003-05-30)

Dear Matt,

I donít know what to do about us. I mean I know I said that I really want it to work, and I meant it, I truly did, itís just I donít see how it possibly can the way that things are now.

I trusted you, I really liked you, I was attracted to youÖhell I thought that I could actually fall in love with you, but GOD did you hurt me. Itís been a long time since I have been hurt that badly, mainly because I havenít let anyone close enough to try. Except you. And what happened? A bad kiss and one of the most emotionally harrowing nights of my life.

Then last night you did something incredible- you fixed it and I actually managed to forgive you, something that I donít do easily. But that seems to be are pattern- itís really hard, but the results are incredible. You gave up smoking for me, I managed to let you touch me again, you managed to tell me how you felt and I managed to (sort of) tell you about my past. Whenever weíre together, really intense things happen.

But Iím still really unsure. I never expected kissing you to be a bad experience. I never expected you to hurt me that way that you did. I never expected to lose the trust and faith I had in you- and the attraction along with it. See thatís why I didnít want you to kiss me last night, I was scared it would be bad again and I actually physically didnít want to.

Emotionally Iím still very attached to you, donít get me wrong, I really like you, I wouldnít be able to let you touch me at all if I didnít, itís just that when the trust was destroyed, the physical chemistry was as well. So now, when I feel the attraction from your side, but not from my own, I feel like Iím lying to you. I really like you, so I want this to work out, but I donít know if Iím going to be able to get as close to you as I did the first time and I donít know if Iíll ever be as attracted to you as I was then.

I donít know if Iíll ever be able to go back and unfortunately that means that I donít know if weíll ever be able to move forward. And I could never tell you this because it would break your heart, so Iím just going to wait it out and see if that elusive X-factor ever comes back. I hope to the goddess that it does, because otherwise I know that it will never work out, no matter how much we want it to.


heart - break

current | archives | profile | links | rings | cast | reviews
quizzes | email | gbook | notes | host | image | design