Karate Bud's (2003-05-30)

Dear James,

So here we are. Karate buddies, no more, no less. I finally managed to figure out that while you donít see me as a little sister, you may aswell, because Ďone of the boysí is not that big a step up. We banter, we kiss cheeks, we discuss our respective romantic interests while we stretch and we obviously care about eachother, although it doesnít seem to be Ďin that wayí. Not for you anyway.

And for me? Well, thatís the bit Iím not sure about. You are definitely one of the best looking guys Iíve ever met and youíre funny and NICE, you take the time to listen to me and you look out for me when Iím hurt/sick, all of which gives you major brownie points.

The problem is that up until a few days ago, I thought I was starting to fall in love with someone elseÖ.I know, me in love, crazy thought hey? The thing is, he hurt me really badly, and while I still like him, he broke my trust. Actually it was worse than that, he took my trust, ripped it to shreds and then set it alight. Now, while I have forgiven him (even weirder for me than the love thing lol), a large portion of the attraction he held for me was grounded in that trust and was decimated along with itÖand I donít know if I can ever get it back.

So what do I do? On one hand I have a boy who is falling more in love with me by the second, who is willing to support me in any way he can in regards to my past and who is right here, right now, offering himself to me. And on the other hand I have you. You who I know very little about, you who may or may not be seeing someone else, you who may run in the other direction rather than deal with me and my fucked up past- my mystery man in short. And I canít make up my mind about either of you.

I know I should just take Matt, as he, unlike you, is actually available and work with the attraction (or lack thereof) as it comes- and technically thatís what Iíve already done. Itís just that I canít help thinking about you and what might have beenÖbut I guess thatís the point, itís what might have been, not what is.


heart - break

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