I never realised (2003-07-06)

Dear Glen,

I would never have thought that what happened the other night would have been possible. YOU of all people managed to articulate something I didn't even know about myself! You said that I was afraid of a relationship and you were dead right. I'm terrified and as stupid as this sounds, I never realised that before.

It's crystal clear now though, but it's taken three different people in three different contexts to make me see it. Gallus, in one of his freaky insightful moments totally pinned me down emotionally by asking me "So who hurt you?", Dora, who astounds me every time I talk to her, and you who managed to sum it all up. In fact you went one step further last night when we were talking about my current monsoon when you said that I felt pressured.

And THAT'S what it's all about. Yes Gallus, someone did hurt me, they hurt me so bad, I'm not sure that I can ever have a normal relationship and that's why I'm scared Glen. I'm not normal you see and I'm afraid no-one will want me because of that.

And everytime one of my friends decides to go all Dawsons Creek on me, I do get scared, because I feel pressured. It's like I either give in to them, something I don't want to do, or the whole friendship goes to hell. They don't give me any other choice AND I HATE IT!!! That is totally unfair to do to me, because I cannot deal with having all of these people wanting me, except the ONE person I wish who did.

So thanks for helping me realise it, you have no idea how much it helps.


heart - break

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