Do I really want to know? (2003-07-15)

Dear Andy,

I donít know what to say. I didnít know what to say last night either, that was why I bumbled about and managed to make a total arse of myself. I was confused, really confused and with the current monsoon in my life, and my lack of support from my best friend, I couldnít take it if you went all dawsons creek on me too.

Itís ridiculous I know, that I rely so much emotionally on a person I only see occasionally at a pub, but you have this calming affect on my soul that I canít explain. I need you in my life, itís as simple as that. That was why I panicked and had to speak to you, even though I had no idea how to do it, or what you would say.

And you surprised the shit out of me. You were fantastic. You understood that it was obviously bugging me and you didn't laugh in my face, instead you continued to speak to me, despite interruptions, until we had sorted it out.

I can't even remember what you actually said, but I know it reassured me...although thinking about it I can't actually think why. I talked about us being brother and sister, and you didn't actually agree with me and I was too relieved due to the other stuff and so desperate for that to be the case that I didn't call you on it. Bugger.

I really should stop this, because I'm just managing to confuse myself, but all I can think about is the fact that you were all sarcastic about my monsoon saying "Man people want me, that must suck." and something about "If I looked the way you do..." What was that all about huh?

What's going on Panda? Are we just friends? Do you want more, but are just trying to hide it? Will you ever tell me the truth no matter what it is, or am I going to have to continue to second guess everything you say and do?

I suppose I should just call you or text you or something, since you finally gave me your number and asked me if I wanted to 'hang out'. We should hang out and I should ask all these questions that I can't seem to ask, but then the question becomes- Will I ever be brave enough to contact you and accept the answers you give me, or will I continue to delude myself within my little fantasy world?


heart - break

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