Alone (2003-10-29)

Dear Pommar,

I feel so solitary in this house all alone. I never really thought about it, but living in a house full of people is something I have always taken for granted, never once considering the utter loneliness that occurs without human contact. How do people live like this?

It’s only been a day- less than that really, since I did see Carmen this morning, but already I think I might go mad.

I mean I have been alone in the house before, but never like this and besides this isn’t my house…perhaps that is why it seems so empty, as there are nothing but remnants of the person who occupies this space….and I feel like an intruder.

Which is stupid, considering the fact that I was asked to be here, but still I feel this house as being very clearly NOT MY PLACE. There is nothing of myself here and in turn that makes me feel like I do not actually exist, like I’m fading from reality with every second that I go unobserved, uncontacted, unnoticed.

I am immersing myself in words, devouring them like I would a lover…which is particularly apt given that it’s eroticism I’m craving, hovering over the sex scenes, imagining myself within those silent, forbidden passages. Imagining James’ hands on my skin….goddess how I wish for that.

Although to be honest I would settle for anyone right now…I ache to be touched…to be made love to in the way I imagine in my head…to be cuddled and caressed in a hundred different ways and places…but I always open my eyes the same way.

Alone.

-Me

heart - break

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