Dear James,

So here we are. Five months of waiting, pining away for you and missing you like crazy and you�re finally back. I almost can�t believe it, I�ve been wanting it for so long. Wanting you for so long. The only thing is, now I don�t know what to do.

My body just aches for you and if I listened to it, both you and my virgin status would be in big trouble!

My mind is ambivalent as per usual. Rationally I know that I should get off my arse, as I don�t know when you will leave again and I never want to feel the way I did before- that I had lost my chance. Irrationally I am terrified of the possibility that all of the obstacles that I see between us will prevent me from ever having a chance.

I mean, what if you really do see me as a little sister?

What if you can�t handle my past and run away like Matt?

What if you laugh in my face?

What I feel for you is so damn intense, it scares me. The fact that you might not feel the same way scares me even more. I honestly don�t know if I could handle seeing you at karate, knowing that there wasn�t any chance for us, knowing that I would always be �That little girl who had a crush� to you.

And the whole idea that you are falling in love with someone else is making me postal. It should be me damnitt! I have waited so damn long, been so fucking patient, I damn well deserve at least a freaking chance!

But I�m so fucking terrified that I don�t have one, because I know that the world isn�t fair and, as Gallus says �You can�t help who you�re into.� I just pray to the Goddess that you�re into me. Because I am so far into you, I feel like I�m drowning.

-Me

P.S Is this what love is? Continual self-doubt? Because if it is, I so want my money back.

heart - break