Satisfaction not Guaranteed (2004-04-13)

Dear James,

So here we are. Five months of waiting, pining away for you and missing you like crazy and youíre finally back. I almost canít believe it, Iíve been wanting it for so long. Wanting you for so long. The only thing is, now I donít know what to do.

My body just aches for you and if I listened to it, both you and my virgin status would be in big trouble!

My mind is ambivalent as per usual. Rationally I know that I should get off my arse, as I donít know when you will leave again and I never want to feel the way I did before- that I had lost my chance. Irrationally I am terrified of the possibility that all of the obstacles that I see between us will prevent me from ever having a chance.

I mean, what if you really do see me as a little sister?

What if you canít handle my past and run away like Matt?

What if you laugh in my face?

What I feel for you is so damn intense, it scares me. The fact that you might not feel the same way scares me even more. I honestly donít know if I could handle seeing you at karate, knowing that there wasnít any chance for us, knowing that I would always be ĎThat little girl who had a crushí to you.

And the whole idea that you are falling in love with someone else is making me postal. It should be me damnitt! I have waited so damn long, been so fucking patient, I damn well deserve at least a freaking chance!

But Iím so fucking terrified that I donít have one, because I know that the world isnít fair and, as Gallus says ĎYou canít help who youíre into.í I just pray to the Goddess that youíre into me. Because I am so far into you, I feel like Iím drowning.

-Me

P.S Is this what love is? Continual self-doubt? Because if it is, I so want my money back.

heart - break

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