I want you (2006-08-20)

I donít know what to do about you. Youíre my friend, but youíre not. I feel like our entire ďrelationshipĒ is one big contradiction.
I donít seem to feel attracted to you (outside of your bedroom) and yet I keep hooking up with you (inside your bedroom)- and I canít seem to stop.
Youíve hurt me more times than I can count and yet I still trust you
I feel safer with you than anyone else in my entire life and yet you are rougher than anyone has ever been
I donít normally like rough, yet I want you to be as passionate as possible and get mad when I feel you holding backÖ
I just canít seem to marry the two sides within my little head.

This is what I know:
I donít want a relationship with you (there, I said it) and yet I cannot and will not let whatever this thing is go.
See the thing is, I love you as a friend, but Iím not IN love with you.
I want to hang out, I want to hook up, but I donít want to Ďdateí, I donít want to hold hands. I donít want to marry you (or anyone else), I donít want to have kids (sorry). I definitely donít want to move with you to Cairns (just to reassure you).
I DO want to have sex (yikes), but we need to sort this out to the degree that itís not going to make my head implode when we do.

Coz right now, itís just fucked. You supposedly want me, yet crap on about wanting to do the right thing, which is very noble, but here is the problem- itís already started. The time for being noble has well and truly passed.
If, as you say, you are thinking of opting out because you donít want me to get hurt, itís 3 weeks too late. You knew what you were doing when you started kissing every inch of my skin, so to try and take it back now is going to make it hurt 7 billion times more, because then itís like it meant nothing.

I donít want to mean nothing, I donít want what happened between us to mean nothing. I donít want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. I would count those hours with you, with your hands and mouth on my skin, pushing my body to itís limits as some of the most cherished moments of my life.

I always thought sexual intimacy and emotional safety were mutually exclusive, but I was wrong. I donít want to forget what it was like to feel so safe and comfortable and passionate and powerful at the same time.

I also donít want to stop. In fact I want more. I want as much as possible before I am forced to let you go.

And I know you donít want me to get hurt, but donít you think that that should be up to me? Because the truth is that whether we stop now, or in an indeterminate time from now when you twist on, the outcome will be the same. Youíre going to leave and yes, it will hurt, but it was going to hurt anyway- wouldnít you rather you could look back on X weeks of awesome fun?

I know I would rather experience this thing between us as much as possible, knowing that I didnít let fear hold me back than always wonder what it would have been like, if only I hadnít been afraid. To quote someone much more eloquent than myself ďIíd risk getting hurt if it meant more than imaginationĒ

Coz the weirdest part of all this is that Iím not afraid. In fact Iím almost hungry to lose myself in this thing. I want to feel until I am raw and literally beyond feeling any more, but am still begging for sensation because I am so high on lust. I want to want to the point where it becomes need, until I am blind with it, because I canít bear the heat, but would rather die than lessen the intensity of the experienceÖand Iím turning myself on just by writing this, so I should probably stop now lol.

heart - break

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