I belong to you even when you don't want me (2008-03-08)

Dear Gallus,

So I got kissed, for the first time since Christmas and what surprised me most was how little I enjoyed it. When I kissed you, I expected to feel nothing and instead felt everything, as I was consumed by a desire firmly based in the emotional connection that we have.

I kiss this guy last night- who is obscenely hot- expecting to feel turned on and instead feel absolutely no connection, physical or otherwise.

But now of course he wants to see me and wants to sleep with me and I have no idea what I want to do.

Part of me wants to, just to prove that I can. Just to have the memory of someone else where only you have been, so that my body can have the mark of another man, coz I'm beginning to think that is the only way to stop feeling like I belong to you.

The problem is that that is not who I am. I don't do random hook-ups, I don't share my body with strangers. I don't get physical unless I am emotionally involved first because I CAN'T. That is what being with you taught me- that it was trust and love that were the X factor all along and I can't get turned on if they're missing.

So here I am- torn between sticking to my morals and staying tied to you, or defiling my body in order to reclaim it.

What do you think I should do?

heart - break

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