The separation- at last (2008-05-07)

Dear Gallus,

I almost slept with someone else a few days ago. I really could have you know. Not because I was really turned on, but just because I was there and so was he and...I don't know, it just felt so good to be wanted, to be the girl who got chosen, rather than passed by and I wanted to feel that in the most powerful way possible.

Which kinda scares me now, because I'm really not that skanky, but at the same time I'm so excited because I can finally feel myself separating from you. I almost slept with someone else and I didn't even think about you, not once. His lips were against my neck and his hands on my hips and I could feel him and smell him all around me and I wasn't scared. It didn't feel wrong and I smiled all the way home afterwards, I didn't feel like crying and calling you and hearing your voice and getting you to reassure me.

I do feel like calling you and laughing about how I have a hickey you can probably see from space, just because it was something we would have laughed about before we- the messy us- ever happened.

It still makes me sad that I can't do that anymore and I worry that I'll never get it back, but at least, for one night, I stopped feeling like I belong to you and remembered that I belonged to myself.

I really liked that feeling.


heart - break

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