She cries... (2008-07-31)

Dear Gallus,

So my counsellor gave me some info tonight and guess what- it turns out I actually have a medical condition and THAT is why I couldn't have sex. I have heard of it before, but thought that it didn't apply, as I put down the pain and bleeding etc. to the whole hymen issue, but the thing is I have ALWAYS had a problem with penetration of any and all kinds- hence why I still find tampons uncomfortable!

And so I'm reading all of this stuff and there were just a million lightbulbs firing inside my little head

-It wasn't my fault that night (although I probably should have told you the truth)

- It wasn't yours either (although you could have made it easier by agreeing to swap)

-I thought I was a freak- turns out, this is way more common that I thought

- I think maybe Christie had it too, which is why you guys had problems as well

- It is strongly correlated with arousal, which is why I felt more open and relaxed the morning of Andrea's wedding- it's coz I actually WAS

- The night we actually did have sex, I wasn't physically ready. I wanted to abstractly, but not at that exact moment and I wasn't hot and I wasn't relaxed and I wasn't open and that is why it hurt so damn much

- I have been clinging to this concept that I did really want to and punishing myself for the past 20 months feeling like it was my fault, because I wanted to feel like I had some control within the situation, that I had chosen and that made it all okay.

- The truth is that I did choose, but not because I really wanted to have sex, but that I felt that I owed it to you and I didn't know when I would get another chance. Duty was part of why it sucked so bad.

- Just because you love someone and want to show them (because that is just what you do) is not a good enough reason to have sex, particularly if you have to force your body into it (ironically, you did actually say this to me yourself)

- You were right to stop it, thankyou for having that much love and respect for me

-You should have had the same respect and tried again, rather than giving up, because it turns out this is actually something we could have worked on and fixed together.

-Now I know all of this, what the hell am I going to do?

Coz, here's the thing- yes, I have this condition, yes it's pretty normal, particularly given my history with the abuse and anxiety, but it takes TIME and PATIENCE and where the hell am I going to find someone willing to wait months while I slowly stretch out and fix it?

You waited for four years before you allowed yourself to touch me sexually and even then you never pushed-even the night it happened, *I* was the one who clarified the situation and got the condom. I know you wouldn't have said anything if I didn't.

I'm not stupid enough to think that that kind of patience and self control is an everyday occurrence. I know just how rare that is and how precious- it was part of what made me love you so much in the first place.

So now, while I finally have justification that it wasn't my fault, I face the overwhelming return of that other fear- that it really was the emotional connection and trust that made the sex a possibility and you were the only one I ever had that with, and it died with our relationship and now I am left with nothing.

You get to go off and sleep with whomever you like and I can't, I actually physically can't. And it just makes me so so so sad. And I miss you. And I hate you, I HATE YOU SO MUCH for refusing to try and fix it, because now I'm never going to get another chance.

You were meant to love me damnitt and you rejected me and made me feel like dirt. You can fuck anyone, including people you hate, but you wouldn't even TRY to fix things with me.

And I hate you, I honestly didn't before, but right here, right now, I HATE YOU for giving up. I was worth more than that, our relationship was worth more than that, my sex life and well being was worth more than that!

Fuck you for not seeing that.


heart - break

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