I haven't written in here in so long, and it's not because things haven't been swirling around and around the land inside my head, but more because I am feeling less and less connected to you. It's weird, because part of me worries that I will say this, and then something will happen to bring everything back up again, just to test me, but at the same time I think I have changed so drastically, I'm not sure that that is even possible.
What happened you may ask?
Well, in short, I got stuck in a foreign country and had to fight tooth and nail to get out. Was beyond insane- and definitely not something that I would ever have expected, although perhaps I should...
There we go, that's it. I have been thinking about this and trying to pinpoint exactly what has changed and how and I just came up with the words-
And now it's back, and it's like I have been half asleep for the last 2 years- how could I have wasted so much time on you? How could I have allowed you to play your little games for that long? How could I have ever been so worried that you would be the only person I could ever love, when I see now that really our relationship was a pale imitation of the kind of passion I am capable of.
You remember why you waited for 3 years before you even tried to make a move? Because I had less than no interest in you and you thought I would reject you (which I did the first time) because deep down we both knew I deserved better and you could never be what I needed, no matter how hard you tried.
Yep, we're back to that. With a vengeance baby, yeehar!
And I have forgotten how good it feels to be her again- she never gave a shit what anyone thought, least of all a guy! She tolerated your BS with a level of disdain that bordered on pity, but regularly raked you over the coals when you pissed her off too badly. She was the epitome of confidence and sass and intelligence and all around kick arse chick.
Ironically she was the one you fell in love with, although you kind of killed her off for a little while. I'm not quite sure why or how, but something happened in Thailand and she rose up like a phoenix. Perhaps it was the strength and focus needed despite the chaos and insanity, but damn that girl was the shit, keeping herself and her friend safe and fighting like hell til she got home.
God I have missed her! I had forgotten how awesome she is!
And suddenly she's here again and she's me and the entire world looks different.
That girl would never put up with, or be discouraged by the Qld BS.
That girl pulled like she was pimping everywhere she went, regardless of what she weighed, or what she was wearing, or if she was having a bad hair day, because it didn't phase her in the slightest and as we all know, confidence is HOT.
That girl did crazy things, like giving almost strangers her number- and they always called her, because she had a knack for intriguing people.
That girl partied hard, without alcohol, or makeup, because they were crutches she never needed.
That girl made new friends like she breathed, because she had no fear and she was always interested and interesting to others.
That girl never allowed herself to get dragged into your crap and would laugh at the ridiculous situation you are now in and be feverently relieved that she was not a part of it.
That girl would never pine for you- partially because there would be too many other boys to go play with- but also because she never believed in trying to hold on to what's lost.
That girl would be horrified by the way you acted and have kicked your arse to the curb the first time you hurt her. That girl would never have gone back for more.
That girl would have yelled at you and made you define things rather than stressing her out- and if you had wanted out she would have shown you the door rather than be with someone who wasn't capable of treating her decently.
Interestingly enough though, I think maybe I needed to be this girl for a while, because it has helped me see a few things.
1) I can be vulnerable and feminine and let my walls down- I just need to pick a more worthy recipient next time
2) I never want to go back to that dark place, where I lost myself EVER AGAIN. And I know now that I never will.
3) I need to forgive myself for the last few years.
I made a mistake with you -there I said it. I have tried to justify it and rationalise it and salvage something from it to try and make it make sense and make it worthwhile and make it okay, because I never wanted to admit the truth- I made a mistake.
I knew what I was getting into with you, but I had this hope that maybe it would be different, maybe it could work out, maybe you could change.
I made a mistake, it was different, but not enough and not in the ways that mattered. You could never change who you are deep down and your compulsion to destroy everything good in your life meant that it would never work out.
You loved me and I made you happy and therefore it always had an expiry date, you just couldn't help but ruin it, you don't know how to do anything else! You don't believe you deserve anything but misery, so that is all that you create.
And I could tell you that I know different, but that's not really important because it won't change anything, here's the important part:
I understand, and I forgive you.
I don't want to be mad or hurt any more, so I've let it all go- the ties, the memories that burned a hole in my heart, the hopes, the empty wishes have all been relinquished, released, never to be held again.
And that's it. You no longer have any part of me, I belong to myself, the way it should have been all along.
I've got her back and she's here to stay.