I wish it were like we never existed (2008-12-20)

Dear Gallus,

I was talking to someone about you today- because it did genuinely come up and I was reminded of how much it hurt when you pressed the self-destruct button. And there I was trying to explain it and I realised just how little sense it made when I said it out loud:
It was a pre-emptive strike, you left me before I could leave you.

(Although the irony is, to this day you are still utterly convinced it was I who did the leaving)

And there are still so many questions left unanswered, where I would love to know the truth.

I know you said that the sex thing had nothing to do with it, but did it really have no effect on the outcome? I think if it had been awesome... you probably still would have screwed it up, but perhaps given me a bit more time to play before you pulled the pin.

And now I have a new shiny but you've made me cautious and paranoid and other annoying things. You made me doubt that I want this, because I am so shit scared terrified of getting burned again. I can't be broken like that again, I don't think I could survive it the second time around- or at least not with my humanity intact.

Sigh. I'm coming home and I don't want to see you, I really don't, but more importantly I don't want to think about you either. I want to be at home and not have you constantly tarnishing everything around me. I want it to be like you and I never happened. Holidays are hard enough without the memories that you left behind.

So I'm asking you to just leave me be okay? I won't see you and you won't see me. No pain, no bullshit...

But then I remember, this is you.


P.S Just so you know, you sad faces aren't going to fly this time around...

heart - break

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