I remember when I thought the whole soulmate thing was real (2009-01-28)

Dear Matt,

So, last night I was reading my other diary about the night that we met. And I remembered how incredible it was and how insanely we connected and I don't know, it got me thinking...

I thought: If you and I had actually gotten together than the whole first time experience with Gallus would have been a non-issue, because it would have been you and I don't know, I just think it all would have worked out.

I thought: I would love to see you right now and see if that crazy intense borderline soulmate thing between us is still there. And this time, I'd do something about it.

And then I thought- that's it, that's what I want, I want that crazy intense passionate insanely full on connection and lust, because really, that's what it SHOULD be right??

And I don't know why, but just thinking of you and remembering that night made me feel so much better about all of the shit since. And seemingly this has flipped a switch or something, because I have had people staring at me ALL day.

Today at the service station I had some random guy just start a conversation with me and hit on me, but in a nice way. I was so taken aback I didn't really respond, just because it was like 'huh? Why me??'

But see, then I remembered, this is what my life used to be like. THe old me got that kind of random attention every 5 minutes from complete strangers on the street, because I just used to intrigue them or something.

And I remembered how much I missed it, because although ironically I never really paid attention to it, it helped to solidify my wall of confidence- the one that he shattered.

But I think it's a good sign that the random attention has started again, I'm thinking it means that the inner changes are starting to shine through. Maybe if I keep thinking of you and remembering what that was like I just might be able to nab it again.

No plan B this time. First choice or nothing!


P.S I miss you, did I say that?

heart - break

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