I think I finally get it (2009-04-25)

Dear Gallus,

So I had a lovely day, relaxing on the beach with a friend- who incidentally bought me lunch- and talking about my trip and all of the places I want to go, some of which he wants to do too and basically planning to go travelling together.

Then I got home and I went to burn a CD and for some reason iTunes went to that playlist I made for you, for the CD I never gave you. And I'm listening to it right now & thinking that if I made it for you and sent it to you, what would happen?

See it would only be now because I went to all the trouble of making it, rather than the big 'fuck you' that it once was, but I wonder what you would make of it.

But anyway, it just got me thinking, about what the pyschic/tarot reader told me that Christmas- you know the one where you basically cheated on her with me- that you never trusted me not to leave you & that is why you chose her.

At the time, and for a long time afterwards, that statement irked me, because I felt like that was so unfair- of course I wouldn't have left you, I loved you & I'm the most loyal person on the planet damnitt!

But see, I realised something today- you were right, I would have left you one day. It wouldn't have been for a while, but it would have happened. From the day we met I was moving forward, while you were stuck still.

And as much as I loved you, and as much as I was afraid of our relationship ending, I know now that the day would have come when I would have become fed up with your BS and I would have just up & left- probably on quite bad terms, as I would have resented you caging me for so long. I would have run so far, so fast that you would have had no chance of catching me.

And see, you & I are different, I'm a lot stronger & more resilient that you are. You knew this, which is how you knew that you could leave me and I would be hurt, but I would pick up the pieces & go and live my life. You knew that you could never survive if I ran away from you, so you left me first.

From the day you finally made a move you always saw the end looming & knew you were living on precious time. You saw this day, where I would go to the other side of the world & live a life you could not dream of, long before I did.

But see, there's something I know that you didn't/don't- if you wanted to, you could have come with me. But you were too afraid & now you will never leave Adelaide, stuck in your rut of a half-life.

I would feel sorry for you, but then I remember- that is what you chose after all.

Silly boy.


heart - break

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