Circles (2009-05-17)

Dear Gallus,

So in the space of a few hours last night 2 major things happened-

1) I felt Kylie's baby move against my hand and it was the singularly most humbling experience of my life. There is another person inside of her, effectively reaching out and touching me through her skin. INTENSE!

2) I realised how badly I want that. I mean I have always wanted kids, but frankly the pregnancy thing always creeped me out and I thought that if I could skip it, that wouldn't really bother me that much, as long as I had the end product. But last night I realised how bad I want the whole experience- the good sex, the creation of a life between me & someone I love, feeling it grow & move and then the end product, a little person that is half me and half them, with my eyes (genetically dominant) and smarts.

And of course that is now in jeopardy. That stupid Dr I paid $145 to see was a total bitch and couldn't help me, so I'm back to square one, except feeling more helpless & hopeless.

God, why couldn't it have just WORKED damnit?!

But then again why didn't you know the truth before I told you?

Why didn't I tell you before? Or even afterwards when you asked me?

Why didn't you ask me if I was sure?

Why didn't I tell you I wasn't?

And so the cycle continues.


heart - break

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