So I found out today that my contract will- due to nasty politics- be going to someone else. Now that is cool, as I had been planning on the 'only 6 months' thing, but I guess it is just one more thing that is propelling me to the other side of the world, far far away from you.
Which is ironic, because I have been contemplating staying of late- not because of you, more just some of the old fears coming back and the concern that maybe I just can't handle this on my own.
And it makes me want to speak to you, just to see what you think. But, while I would have once had to fight the urge so hard that it was almost painful, it is now but a fleeting thought before i go 'Nah, it doesn't really matter what he thinks anyway, his life is a trainwreck!'
I can talk to you here though, where I'm safe because your BS can't reach me. So yeah, I can be honest here in a way I once was in real life with you oh so long ago:
I'm scared, like absolutely fucking terrified that I am going to do all this and spend all of this time and money and it's all going to be a screaming disaster where I have no choice but to come back home because I failed.
You know me, I don't do failure well.
Like I have pretty much been able to talk myself down off the ledge by thinking of all the awesome travelling I will be able to do so much easier and cheaper than here and when that doesn't work I look at my Thailand pics and get all excited, but I think the reality has sunk in. In 3 months I will be ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD, a 24hr flight away from all of my friends and family- am I NUTS?!
What if I have a shit day, what if I have a shit MONTH?! How on earth will I survive with my people to talk to and look forward to visiting and my cat to give me cuddles?? And what about all of the people who have this number- which will soon be lost- do I bother telling people like your family about my new one?
My head is SPINNING. I am freaking out!
On a random side note, I don't actually miss you today, how weird is that? Oh and I looked at photos of us and was back to not seeing you as anything more than the sexual equivalent of furniture. Hurrah for moving on!