Ulterior Motives? (2009-07-05)

Dear Gallus,

So my HPC got approved in an incredible 10 days- TEN DAYS!!! That is NUTS! Most people I know have had to wait for like 3 or 4 MONTHS! But yeah, so now it's officially happening, I am definitely going.

In 8 weeks I will be across the other side of the world, living a life that is completely removed from my life here- new country, new job, different living arrangement (probably attached to the hospital), completely new set of people and I guess new culture. Hell, even a new language if I learn BSL.

And so I have been deep in organisation mood, going through my massive massive mountains of crap- honestly, how do I manage to accumulate so much shit??- and generally tying up loose ends.

And that of course, brings me to you.


What do I do about you??

It's strange because with this all consuming deadline looming it has made me really want to see you and tell you and discuss it with you. As my friend, because I miss you and the friendship that we used to have.

But the thing is I've spent so long avoiding you and ignoring you and just speaking to you in here, I really don't know what would happen if I tried in real life.

And my counsellor thinks we would just be back to the same old bullshit and if I'm brutally honest, I understand why- I mean that's what's happened the last..hmmm..half dozen times? Why would this be any different?

And yet, there's still that little hopeful part of me that goes 'Yeah but you were friends for four years before it went all weird, surely that's gotta be worth SOMETHING and you can go back, it was almost 3 years ago!'

And I am genuinely over us and the pain you caused- the sex thing is still a bit of a work in progress, but that was a problem before you anyway, so I can't put that entirely on your head.

But. (There's that nasty little word that always pops up with you)

But I don't know if that is enough.

I don't know what will happen if I tell you I'm going, given the effect it had last time.

I don't know if you will let me go with a simple hug and a 'Good luck, see you later'.

Scarier still, I don't know if that is the reason why I want to tell you.


heart - break

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