The dark truth (2009-08-12)

Dear Gallus,

So, the countdown is on, only 2 more weeks at work, 5 in the country. And I don't know, I just feel all of this stuff simmering beneath the surface-

What if it sucks and I'm miserable?

What if I fail and I have to come home?

What if I hate my job and have no friends to whinge to?

I'm getting kind of worried that I have bitten off more than I can chew here. I'm scared that it will all be a screaming disaster and I will be stressed out and utterly miserable.

But I can't back out now, everything is set and I have spent all of this money...but (and I could never say this out loud) my feet are so cold I've got frostbite.

And then there's the other thing.

I have a boy circling my orbit and while part of me thinks that I should just go for it and hopefully get rid of some of this stress and tension, I'm back to being shit scared.

To be honest, that is probably the thing that scares me most about being so far away- trying to date in a foreign country. Which sounds completely ridiculous and presumptuous, but I'm serious, I have no idea how it's going to roll over there.

I'm freaking out that I will make an idiot of myself, or worse, that I won't until some critical moment and then it will all come crashing down. I'm not good in those early stages, I SUCK at that stuff because I hate the grey area and game playing and unfortunately, unless you are religious, that is what it's all about.

Goddamnitt! This is so stupid, I know that it is stupid, but you've made me so freaking paranoid. I feel like this stupid sex issue is a goddamn albatross around my neck and I will never find anyone who will understand and be cool with it.

I mean hell, look at what happened with you- you knew me, you loved me, you didn't push me, I was totally comfortable with you and it was all meant to be perfect. Instead it was a nightmare. And fuck, if someone who has known me for 4 and a half years and supposedly loves me won't work on it, what shot do I have with a stranger?

Oh god, this whole situation is just a mess. I was scared of getting hurt before, now it is a full blown phobia. I am petrified of being rejected and shamed and cast aside.

That's the crux of it really, that's the deep dark doubt that lurks inside my broken little soul- what if no-one wants me?

I wouldn't blame them.


P.S But I do firmly blame you, just so you know.

heart - break

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