Unexpected. But nice. (2002-01-06)

DISCLAIMER: This entry may contain graphic content, so if you are prone to blushing, or simply disinterested in that sort of thing, I suggest you skip ahead :)

Dear Gallus,

So, I'm beginning to think that the goddess really does read this, because last night/this morning, was unexpected, surprising and AWESOME. I went out and I was on FIRE- three guys hit on me in about 10 minutes, then I had another on the way out, then there was this guy visiting from London who was working his butt off trying to get me to join him and his mates, then the bartender bought me and my friend drinks, then another guy gave my housemate a tenner for her to buy me drinks on him! I was pulling like I was pimping!

And then there was this Scottish guy whose voice just made me melt. And he was cute. Not gorgeous, but not to be sneezed at either. We were in this group but kept chatting and giving eachother shit and laughing our arses off. Yeah, he's FUNNY, totally freaking hilarious actually.

And I don't know, he was just interested in me, like for me. He wanted to know what I thought about stuff and my opinion on things and...I liked him, I'm not sure exactly what it was, but just something about him made me feel comfortable.

So then I did something crazy, that I have never done before.

I took him home with me.

*I* picked up. But more importantly I took a step forward I would never have imagined that I would ever be brave enough to take. I assessed the situation, knew that I would only have that one night, knew that I have missed cuddles and kissing so much lately and just went Fuck it, carpe diem! and laid my cards on the table.

I knew I didn't want to have sex, I knew that my body was not ready for it, so I told him that he was welcome to hang out, but he was not going to get laid, because I am not that kind of girl (I am nothing if not up front, after all). And he was like 'No problem. I know what kind of girl you are, just by the fact we're even having this conversation and I am cool with that' (in his sexy as hell voice)

"Just to clarify, you do realise that you are agreeing to come back to my place, knowing that you have to get up early tomorrow to go home and knowing that it will probably cause you immense amount of shit [long story], all just to have cuddles, nothing else??"

'Yep. I'll just go get us a cab'(!)

And it didn't quite work out that way- just because I was not quite as willing to ditch my friend as he was his and yet, there we were, at 3am, in a cab, alone, on the way back to my place.

And he patted his chest 'Come here' and pulled me in for a cuddle, kissed the top of my head and said 'You know, if you lived in Glasgow, or I lived here, we could totally go out.' And THEN got all embarassed and was like 'I just realised that that was a stupid thing to say, coz obviously that's not the case right now, but I just wanted you to know.' (Awwwww.)

And then we were back home and I was suddenly like Shit, how does this work?? so I figured honesty is always best and I fessed up that I was not quite sure what to do, because I had never done this before- which I think surprised him. But he just continued to be cute and asked to borrow my toothbrush to brush his teeth (definite points for consideration!) and tell me I actually looked better without make-up (one of many complements he paid me).

And it was awkward, but not, because he kept commenting on random stuff that was awkward and making a joke of it, to make sure I felt comfortable. Then we got into bed and it was all mofo cuddles, it was SO GOOD.

And then he was kissing me- not a bad kisser at all.(Definitely potential for improvement I think, just because he's an occasional head cradler, but I think once he realises that that is the killer kissing move, he would move to a more permanent hand-in-hair position.)

And through this whole thing we were talking, and I knew he wanted more, but he was respecting my boundaries, but after a while he was finally caved and was like 'There's something I really want to do'.

And it wasn't what I thought it was- he didn't want to have sex, he wanted to go down on me. Thus began the war within myself, between what I wanted (seriously, how the hell did he know that is my favourite thing in the entire world?? Bastard!) and what was the right thing. Because you see, he has a girlfriend- that he had a massive fight with on the phone before he met me.

And as ridiculous as it sounds, he didn't seem like the cheating type, so I kept bringing it up and that lead to this whole other conversation about how if things are going well (which they obviously aren't) and you're not happy (which he obviously isn't) then maybe it is time to get the hell out.

And THAT lead to a conversation about you. He wanted to know things about you and me and us. He wanted me to tell him about the sex problems. And so I did. And it wasn't weird, or dramatic, or awkward and I wasn't upset, or anxious and it was just...talking.

He was so cute about the painful sex part, *he* apologised for *you* which I thought was kind of hilarious.
"Why are you apologising? You didn't do anything!"
'Yeah, but I'm just sorry that someone did that to you and that now you feel the way that you do about it. That's horrible. Men are shit'[lol]

And it was just so surprising. That someone who was essentially just a one night stand, could be that cool and understanding and accepting of things.

And then after swearing he expected nothing back and promising me he knew we still wouldn't have sex, he kissed his way down my body and so it was that I ended up having someone I hadn't even known 8 hours earlier kissing me in the most intimate of places.

Unfortunately, this was when you flashed into my mind. Not for the reasons you might think. Just because you were the one who did that to me for so long, and it has been so damn long, I couldn't help but compare- you had more technical skill, but he was on par for sheer enthusiasm lol.

The other issue was I had that problem I had with you, where I just couldn't get into it at first. He was doing all the right things and it felt nice, but I just couldn't let go. It took AGES and I really had to work myself into it, which kinda gave me the shits.

Why can't I just orgasm like a normal goddamn person?

Why couldn't it be like it was with you and Melbourne Boy where it's so intense I can't breathe? Sigh.

Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, and I even managed to have fingers inside of me without pain, which is a very positive sign I feel! I think/hope that my body is finally starting to relax and one day (hopefully soon!) I will be open enough for sex to be back on the table.

It also definitely gave me food for thought with my position on one night stands also- he was so lovely and considerate, checking I was okay and that the things he was doing didn't hurt.

And apparently I taste amazing, and feel amazing, and my body is amazing and I am seriously hot and he desperately wanted to be inside of me, but understood the situation. The whole thing was a massive ego boost and for once I felt better about myself after being naked with someone, rather than worse.

Even better he says that he wants to come visit, so I might be able to have a repeat performance down the track, so I can work out all of my stress.

In the meantime my bed and my room smells like him- and sex- and I freaking LOVE IT. I don't have a single shred of guilt, or remorse, and I haven't been able to wipe the smile off of my face all day.

See, there you go, all I needed was a cute Scottsman to go down on me for a few hours and I am a new woman.

I told you I didn't need you. And I am more grateful than you will ever know that he proved me right.


heart - break

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