The lonely void (2009-12-30)

Dear Gallus,

So I resisted the urge, I haven't called you, and it did pass. But it has left me thinking- what am i doing here? Like I feel very strongly right now that I am just marking time. Like I have uprooted my entire life and seemingly fucked it all up in Australia and for what? Exactly the same thing, just in another country.

And I am so desperate for home that I am sort of making friends with someone I wouldn't normally consider hanging out with, just because she is Australian. I don't think she's a bad person, she's just a bit of a bogan and kinda going through a rough patch, which is making her not so stable. Or at least I hope that is what it is, or else she is just a bit of a psycho all the time...(says she who continues to write imaginary letters to her ex boyfriend whom she hasn't seen in 2 years. Ahem)

Sigh. I think I am just homesick. And not having work to focus on is highlighting that in all of it's annoying glory. Coz with my job to throw myself into, it makes it less obvious how empty my life really is.

I have been enjoying the time off, don't get me wrong, but my sleeping is still all screwed up and I know that isn't helping my mental health any. That and I haven't obviously been to counselling since I left- so that's 3 months with my own thoughts left to fester on their own. Not good. My counsellor did say to email her if I needed to. Maybe I should do that.

Arrrgh this shits me, I hate asking for help. But I don't miss you today, so that's good. I just miss almost everyone else. Apart from BB, he's still giving me the shits. Just thinking about that situation makes me stressed. I think that really has been the straw that broke the camel's back metaphorically speaking. I was doing pretty much ok til then.

Mokay, game plan:
1) Stop thinking about all of the shit with BB. Fossy will talk to Mel and hopefully that will help, coz then I can figure out what to do from here.
2) Stop dicking about looking at things and actually BOOK some of the cool O/S stuff I want to do
3) Get my slack arse back to dance/pilates/yoga (preferrably all three)- I need the endorphins! This also has the added bonus of getting me out of the house and giving me stuff to do

And I know that you would say that I need to not fill up every spare second of my life with structured activity- but you're not here. And I don't think I would listen to you, even if you were.


heart - break

current | archives | profile | links | rings | cast | reviews
quizzes | email | gbook | notes | host | image | design