Thoughts for you (2010-01-16)

Dear Melbourne boy,

So I was walking around today- in England, which I don't think you know anything about- and two things hit me.

1) I really am in a totally different country and quintessentially that makes my life different. No matter how many aspects are similar, *I* am different, just by being here.

Nobody really knows me here, or knows my history, or what I am about. And yes, in some ways that is liberating, but at a base level it is also isolating, because there is no shared history either. And because it is the other side of the world, there isn't even the shared community history (for example, i had to explain to someone about the whole reconciliation and sorry thing the other week).

And it struck me, how much I really am my own person here. For better or worse, it is down to me and I am responsible for what people think of me and how my life pans out.

2)I really am alone. I think there are those people who are destined to have someone/s and those who have a solitary path to follow and I am definitely one of the latter. Like maybe all of the fucked up shit up until now really has been to show me that I am the only person I can rely on and my destiny is to go & do stuff, but to do so on my own. Not that it will be shit or anything, just that it really is I the team and anything else is just a waste of time.

Like I meet people, yourself included, but it's only ever for a very brief period, like a shooting star and then I am on my own again.

Or on the flip side- as seems to be the case in England for some bizarre reason- I meet someone and they are just totally obsessed with me because I am apparently "the coolest girl in the world". (You can tell I met one of those last night lol). And I am honestly at the point where I want to say to them "Yeah, you say that NOW, but I bet you a tenner you would change your mind if you actually knew anything about me".

But that made me think about you today. Coz it was the opposite with you, I showed you who I was and that was when you really got into me. Like initially you thought I was just another Qld skank, but when I proved I was more than a piece of ass, you realised you actually liked ME, not just my arse.

Yeah, it's pathetic, but I miss you. I really wish it could have worked out. Goddamn logistics.


heart - break

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