Contemplation (2002-01-30)

Dear Gallus,

So a reader asked me a question and my first instinct (aside from thinking they need some serious Speech Rx) was to get pissy, but then I reconsidered- what would the point of that be? They don't know me, they don't even know my name, and yes, they were somewhat offensive in their cluelessness, but hey, it did give me something to think about.

Do I really MAKE people think that way about me? What do I DO to give them that impression?

And the biggest part of me yells NOTHING, you don't do squat, it's not your fault if someone thinks that way about you.

Now to a certain extent this is true, but at the same time, it has happened so frequently- with guys AND girls in various situations, sexual or otherwise, and the only common factor in these unrelated situations, is me.

So I thought about it, I thought about everyone who's ever said something like that about me and why.

1) My friend Sarah dubbed me an 'arch sensualist' because I got grumpy when she said sex kitten- this is because she heard about my 6 hr marathons with you and was just like "Seriously? I'm just like, get it done and then go to sleep" lol

2)Sam's little comment- made after he knew I wouldn't sleep with him.

3)Craig also made a similar comment- also after he knew I wouldn't sleep with him

4)My housemate's friend who is a girl and a lesbian BTW, called me a sex kitten, because everyone was talking about stuff and there was a whole bunch of girls who have never had an orgasm, not even by themselves and I was just like "Dudes, that is SAD". And then my housemate pipes up with how I am definitely a sex kitten, because I like the lights on.

Last but not least (I'm sure there are more examples, but I'll try to keep this vaguely readable)

5) You said, quite frequently in fact, that I was 'evil' and able to drive you 'completely crazy'. I remember how incredible it all was, it was like I had suddenly discovered the world was actually in colour and I asked you "Is this what it's like for normal people?!" and you looked at me kinda strangely and said softly "Sometimes".

So I thought about it: No I'm not a sex kitten, not really. There are certain things though, that perhaps don't bother me the way they do other girls.

Thanks to you, I am quite happy being naked. I don't hate my body (except when it clamps up on me when I don't want it to) and providing I am happy to share my body with someone, I really do just that. I don't squirm away, or hide myself, I'm not afraid of the light and as previously mentioned, I actually prefer to have the lights on, because I like to watch.

I love kissing. I could do it all day. As we did, numerous times, lol. And come to think of it, you did tell me once that I apparently kiss like I'm never going to get to kiss again. I have had other positive comments, which basically amount to the fact that I am quite passionate I guess. I always figured everyone was about the same, but apparently not. I do know that there is variation with guys, so I assume there must be on the flip side.

I am quite open to new things. You and I pretty much did everything- there was an unspoken deal of anything you want, you can have, within reason. But I'm not really that kinky, I don't think, I have my lines in the sand (I don't do pain, or butt stuff), but you did indicate that I am more adventurous than you perhaps expected. And the funny part is, there is a whole list of shit I still wanted to try with you, I just never got the chance.

So, in short, I guess there are reasons that YOU would think that, but most strangers wouldn't know anything about any of that, so why would THEY think that?

And I think I may have figured it out- it's not promiscuity, it's simple confidence. I don't give a shit what people think about me. I am quite frank about sexual stuff and I think that people should be able to enjoy it, and if they don't, don't do it. I sure as hell don't do anything that I don't want to do. I don't let myself get pressured into stuff and I am quite upfront about what I want. So, maybe this comes across to people?

That's the best theory I can come up with right now anyway...


heart - break

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