Like a mouse on a wheel (2010-04-17)

Dear Gallus,

My head hurts. I think I am trying to deal with too much, as per usual. But unlike usual, I don't have anyone to talk to, so I have to come here and drone on and bore everyone stupid.

I really really miss our cuddles today. I miss being able to send you a text and have you rock up on my doorstep, regardless of the hour (usually late). I miss pouring out all my drama to you, while you held me curled up in your lap like a cat. I miss you putting me to bed and curling yourself around me, rubbing my stomach or my head/hair until I fell asleep.

Le sigh.

Basically I am trying to make these big decisions, but without any of the information that I consider to be essential. I find it so hard to chose, I really do rely upon looking at absolutely every possible outcome, probable or not, before I cautiously narrow my options.

I really am so fucking petrified of making a mistake, it is actually ridiculous.

And the problem is that right now, everything is a complete stab in the dark. I have absolutely no fucking clue how it's going to pan out and I HATE IT.

Like the job in Brighton sounds awesome, but it might not pan out with the funding. Meanwhile there is a guaranteed job in Canterbury, but it's a crap one and I need to buy a car.

There is a car in the offing so to speak, but it is a massive massive outlay of cash and of course, there's now a London job on the table. This job may also be shite, but it is in London, which =awesomeness, but of course, can't have a car.

Accommodation wise, everything depends on the job. My current housemate may have hooked me up some more temporary stuff here, which would give me some breathing space, at least while I am away. But it's not guaranteed. And then I'm still going to have to deal with everything once I get back- less a whole bunch of cash of course lol.

If I move to London then I need to sort out actual moving logistics. If I do end up doing Brighton or Canterbury, then I can just do it in a car- but I need to get the car...and around and around it goes in psychotic stress inducing circles.

Meanwhile I saw another one of your doppelgangers today. I seriously did a double take before going- No, it's England, you are far away (thank fuck). But then of course, hot boy smiled at me (I'm not sure if that's because he thought I was staring, or coz he thought I was cute). And of course, I smiled back, because I didn't want to attribute your flaws to this innocent stranger. But that meant of course I was thinking of you and smiling and bugger it, that's not cool.

I decided something the other night. I think I really need to build up my repertoire of sexual experiences. My track record is positively pathetic.

At the very least, I need to go flirt up a storm. It's fun, it's (usually) harmless and it reminds me that, despite my shortcomings, I can still pull like I'm pimping if I put my mind to it.

Or I could if I had any semblance of a social life right now. I did actually turn down going to a London party 2mrw...although that decision could be reversed if necessary...hmmm

Okay, time to go eat me some salmon, christ knows my mental health needs that Omega 3 right now.


heart - break

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