Just like old times (2010-04-25)

Dear Gallus,

Procrastination has definitely had it's sticky fingers all over today. I was meant to get shit done- go look at a car, get my (motherfucking) cookie theft (how I hate thee) assignment done, and instead I have read a Sookie Stackhouse book (cover to cover in 4 hrs), enjoyed the weather, booked my York trip for the long weekend, done some grocery shopping, cooked a delicious curry and essentially done fuck all.

The curry is damn good though, I just have to say.

I know I need to stop mucking about and just start reading/typing, because once I do I should be able to pump it out in a few hours, but it's just...just...ugh. I think this is part of the problem with something that I understand and can totally bullshit my way through, but holds absolutely no interest for me- I get bored and there is no motivation to actually do it. Like if it's fuck off hard, I will put the yards in, because failure is not something I will allow in my life.

Or, alternatively, if it's easy, but interesting, my curiosity kicks in and I want to know about it- classic example, I read in my language development textbook about this study where they got pregnant women to read a particular text to their unborn children for 4 weeks before their due date. Then they tested the newborns and found that they not only showed a preference for their mother's voices (which is old news), but a preference for that particular text. Guess what that means? Not only can babies hear in-utero, but they can process/comprehend what they hear to the point of recognising the familiar. How cool is that?!

So yes, development = interesting, if reasonably easy. This means I pump it out, without any real effort. I was 2% off a HD for my last assignment, I was PISSED- then I remembered, wait a sec, this is masters where they mark like a bitch and I did that assignment in like 2 hours MAX (including reading), get a grip! Distinctions with minimum effort is perfectly acceptable.

I think this is my other gripe- I haven't gotten anything back for this topic, so I have no idea how I'm doing. I have so far been able to do the assignments quickly enough because the lecturer is lazy as fuck and only ever gives questions on one research paper- but I could be failing and I wouldn't know. I better fucking not be!

I do doubt it, linguistics really does just make sense to me and while I will bitch and moan and drag my heels, I have thus far kicked arse without anywhere near the amount of work I probably should put into it. My last adult topics I got straight distinctions with a couple of HDs chucked in and I was slacker than you could possibly imagine-but that was because I knew that lecturer liked my particular brand of bullshitting. If this one doesn't, I'm in trouble.

Ugh, it's just so BORING. Just give me a kid and I will have a blast teaching them whatever they need to know. I had a grand ol time last week making faces in the mirror with my backing kid- he thought I was totally nuts, but he loved it. The neglect cases were less fun. That makes me want to go and punch people- I swear to god, if you are like that with your kid, I will hurt you.

Wow, this is really weird. This is the kinda shit I used to talk to you about in real life. I would whinge about uni, and whatever boy drama I had going on at the time and whatever my mother had done that week to drive me crazy and you would listen in your chair, or on your step (depending on whose house), smoking, occasionally sipping your shitty coffee and then when I was done you would shed your clothes and I would shed mine and I would slip in beside you, lining up our skin and you would hold me, sighing with contentment from the sheer pleasure of doing just that, or mummuring to me softly and I would sleep, secure in the knowledge that the outside world didn't exist and you would never let anything bad happen when I was there.

Until you did of course.

I wonder sometimes, if I could ever do that with anyone else. Like I have had boys naked in my bed and I have had them hold me and cuddle me, which I still really enjoy, but I've never really been able to sleep with them there. I think there is now a part of me that will always be on the alert for the pain that seems to be an inevitable part of my life, so I just can't truly relax. I don't think that I'll ever be able to trust someone so blindly in that same way.

Which is really damn sad. And entirely your fault.


heart - break

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