Hell to the No! (2010-05-08)

Dear Gallus,

Mokay, so this will be the last entry for a few weeks- REALLY. I just had some stuff I really needed to say and this hotel happens to have a shiny mac for me to play with with free internet and well, of course Im going to use it! Oh how I love macs..

But I digress.

I met a random Aussie guy today in the train station and it reminded of how easy it is to do when I travel. People seem drawn to me, or maybe I to them, either way, I am never really alone, I usually end up talking to someone.

I have been doing more investigation of Spain stuff and the problem is, I start to get cocky- it's okay, i can get there a full day before my friends, I'll just go sort out our accommodation myself, go do/see stuff, no worries. And then I remember- I don't speak Spanish.

And this made me remember that I don't speak Italian either and tomorrow I am going to a foreign city I have never been to, on my own, where I don't speak the language and i have to get to my hotel and then sort it out, as the rest of the tour are off at something that I will unfortunately miss, due to my flight time.

And then I felt the beginnings of a panic attack as I was like OMG, WTF have I DONE?? Seriously, I am not Mel, I don't traipse across the countryside, laughing in the face of a language barrier, I plan, I organise, I ARRANGE. I have a filofax for chrissakes!!


And then I see my bullshit anxiety triggers rearing their ugly heads and then I get pissed off. NO! I refuse to let stress ruin this experience. So what if i don't speak Italian, I know what i need to do to get from the airport to the hotel and fuck it, i did a whole lot more than that in Thailand, which is more third world than Rome!! That entire country essentially runs on a stick and a piece of string- and I was FINE, in fact, I was more than fine, I had a ball!!

I need to remember that I am not the same person i was when I was with you. I am much much stronger and more resilient. I have done Thailand, and Amsterdam and Seoul (kinda) and granted the first two were with other people, but I was the one who sorted everything out, I was the one who was cool calm & collected in the face of political coups, bombings and rip offs.

I was the one who was nonplussed by poor directions, rain and weird transport systems- granted they all spoke English in that situation, but it's not the ambient language, all the signs (and announcements) are in Dutch and I still figured it out.

I will be FINE. I refuse to morph back into the scared little girl who gets stressed over anything and everything. I left that all behind when I left you and decided that I wanted more from my life. This is it, this is the more and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Do you hear me anxiety disorder? You can just fuck off!


heart - break

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