The price of freedom (2010-05-24)

Dear Gallus,

So, assignment is submitted, it's probably a piece of crap, but it's done! On a related note, I got my (mother fucking) cookie theft (how I hate thee) assignment back- 90%. What the? How the hell is that even possible?? How did I score a HD on something where I talked out of my arse? I genuinely, without doubt, thought I would probably fail, or at best, get a pass, because adults & I do not mix well. Instead I get the best mark of the semester. Bi-zarre.

Then on the flip side, on my child topic- which I should have pissed in, I only just got a credit. Again, what the? I thought I understood the concepts and it was okay- granted it was the one I had to redo because the first version got lost and that was better, but still. This drags down my GPA for that topic to 74%. I do not like this *narrows eyes*.

Anyway, now that the uni whinging is over and I have described the physical events of the trip, time to talk about the emotional stuff.

Again while I was away I was struck by how well I am able to travel, particularly when compared to others. This surprises me, given my history with anxiety and stuff, but it's true. Pretty much the entire time I had people milling about not knowing what to do whereas I was off and sorted and doing my own thing. I also had a whole heap of people following me, which drove me nuts. I really am much too independent for that.

I had moments though, when I thought it would be nice to have had you there, there are some things I would have loved to have shared with you. This was not helped by tiredness and the fact that I kept hearing our song everywhere. Grrh.

But essentially, the combination of these two factors lead to another realisation I have had before when I was away- I really did make a bigger choice when I left the laide and left you than I realised.

I was talking with this girl Cat, who loves her partner, but doesn't want to get married, but said yes because she didn't want to hurt him. Now she feels completely trapped and is unable to go and live O/S like she always wanted and basically I think there comes a point where you choose- you either stay with the person and have that life, which usually involves compromising yourself and your future dreams, or you refuse to do this, and therefore end up free, but alone.

In her case she is so scared of being alone, that she has just resigned herself to her situation, but it was so easy to see from the outside how unhappy she is. And I thought, I would choose the uncertainty of freedom, rather than live in the guaranteed misery.

But see, I already made that choice. And I have been alone. Part of this is because I refuse to settle and unfortunately all that surrounds me are dodgy jerks, but part of it really is me.

I'm not a princess, I like my jeans, I like my hoodies and I LOVE my cool (to me) girl nerd t-shirts. I do wear some skirts and dresses, but they are by no means the central theme of my wardrobe. I don't wear makeup, I don't dress up for anyone but myself and I am not a perfect size 8. I'm not fat, I'm a completely normal size 12, but I have boobs, I have an arse (ghetto bootay to you), oh and I have glasses. I refuse to wear contacts all the time because they are such a pain in the arse. And thus I go pretty much unnoticed unless I speak to someone, then it's my personality they are drawn to.

Ironically, all of the aforementioned things you actually liked. You liked the way I walked in heels- more arse-sway than normal- but otherwise you thought I was beautiful in jeans and a t-shirt. I miss that. I miss the way I never had to try with you, you loved it as it came, no shine, no polish, just me.

These days, it's all about the polish and i just cannot be fucked (literally badom-bom-ching!). Honestly the amount of effort girls I know go to, just thinking about it makes me tired. I am not like that. I get ready in 45min tops- including washing my hair!- which, while a desirable trait, does not result in looking like a supermodel.

And yes, I know I could do what they do, but I don't want to. I don't want to have to work that hard to look good, I look the way that I look, deal with it.

This is, I suspect, also part of the problem- I am straight down the line, I don't play games, I don't play coy, I don't play hard to get, if I like someone, I say so. I am fiercely independent, and I'm smart, two things that are seemingly 'hard to deal with'.

And again, I could pretend not to be, but why should I? Aside from the fact that an act is just that, it has to be maintained, why the fuck should it be necessary?

Goddess, I don't even know why I'm writing about this, this situation is what it is. I chose not to be with you, the one person who did accept me for who I was, because I didn't want to deal with the crap you put me through. And now I am free from the cage of our relationship, but this is apparently the price.

I hope it's worth it.


heart - break

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