Beyond anything you ever imagined (2010-06-21)

Dear Gallus,

So I came home one night last week after work and proceeded to work like a demon, getting 1500 words done in under 3 hours.

Then the next night I went and looked at the house- it's really really cool, I loved it! One of the girls is a bit strange, but the rest of the housemates are fab, so I can handle her. I hear on Monday what the g-o is.

Then at work the next morning I just pumped out the rest of my last two assignments, sent them off and hoorah I am DONE for the semester! *punches the air* Honestly, it just seemed like I was never going to get it all done and now I have and the relief is almost overwhelming.

I have made a command decision though- I'm not doing this to myself again. The whole full time work, 2 intense masters topics and frequent travel is just too much. I tried it and it almost killed me and next semester I am travelling a fuckload more, with two massive trips already in the offing (Spain/Italy/France in July/August; Sweden/Norway/Denmark/Iceland in October/November), my cousin coming to see me in September and then Egypt and now possibly Omman over Xmas/New years. And unless I have a massive hiatus like this last time, I just don't see how I'm going to manage it all.

Thus, I am slapping down the little negative voice in my head that tells me that it is cheating and failing and deciding to take the easier option for once in my goddamn life.

I think part of what clinched it was I met my friend's partner yesterday (who was lovely) and apparently one of the things she mentioned, of all of the many many things she could have told him, was that I take on too much. It concerns me slightly that this is what I am reduced to. As in, she said other things I'm sure, but that is the first thing he mentioned to me, so obviously that one stuck.

And I remember how you always thought I was nuts for being so driven. You always encouraged me to chill out and stop packing so much in and "taking up every spare second with structured activity".

But the thing was, I have been doing it for so long, I really don't know how to do anything else. I don't really DO downtime, I'm always doing something. I was exceptionally bored here before I started uni, because my job wasn't stimulating enough. Now my job is firing those brain cells I feel much better, but I must admit, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself in the evenings when I normally study...although I only have another 3 weeks to fill up, then I'm off to Madrid, so really that's not too bad...

I have been running around so much and the last week has been so insane that my sleeping has been off and I've been dreaming of you again. It's really annoying. I had a full on one about you and pathetic girl and your kid the other night and I didn't wake up upset, more just like bleugh, I don't want to be thinking about that! Why would my brain do that?? Seriously, what the fuck?!

When I am awake I am consumed with relief that I have this life, while she is stuck with you, so it's not that, truly. I have no desire to go back to you and to my old life, to be honest I don't even know HOW I ever could, I have come too far beyond that tiny little space of you and me and us that was filled up with all your bullshit.

I have moved on you see, far beyond your reach and now I am living the life I never even dared to dream of.

I must say, it's kind of awesome.


heart - break

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