Dear Readers, *particular shouts out to Sassy for being on the same wavelength today*
So I have had big themes swirling round my head today- sex and death...not at the same time, just so we're clear.
*DELETED FOR PRIVACY* The sex part is less dramatic and can most likely be blamed on the fact that I have had my cousin staying with me and therefore my standard orgasm routine has been interrupted. But I digress.
I had this massively intense sex dream about Gallus- fantasy rather than memory- and it was so damn real I actually woke up sweating. Goddamn it was hot! And while it had never happened, it was definitely something that I think could have, if we had stayed together. But when I try to think of it happening with anyone else, I draw a big fat blank.
Thus bringing me to my other obsession for the day. I know I have complained about this ad infinitum, but it continues to concern me- how on earth will I ever find that with someone else?
As in, I know it was because I had known him for so long and trusted him so much and I know that he was so giving and considerate because he loved me so much, but seriously, that kind of sexual chemistry and bedroom awesomeness just doesn't happen every day.
And while yes, I have hooked up with other people since them, it really hasn't been the same. I've always been kind of...detached...like I was watching them doing stuff to me and I knew that it should feel nice, but I was just going through the motions rather than experiencing it.
I never had to do that with him. I didn't ever really think, it all happened so quickly and was so intense, I just kinda let go and went with it. And I miss it so so much. I would do anything to get it back.
But he is with pathetic girl and I can never have it again. And while that would be fine if I could just transfer that feeling to someone else, I don't seem to be able to.
And I am terrified that this will be it. He will be all that I get, because I'm too fucked up for anyone else to bother with and I can't seem to recapture that feeling he roused in me so effortlessly.
I never thought that this would happen. I thought that I had it all sorted, but seemingly that was only with him. And now it's gone and I can't get it back.