Tick. Tick, tick-tick- BOOM (2010-10-13)

*Disclaimer: This is going to be very long and very rambly and probably won't make much sense, but I can't talk about it because all of my support system is across the other side of the world and there is the stupid time difference, thus this is my only way to purge*

Dear Gallus,

You are absolutely un-fucking believable. You were all over my fucking life, then I got sick of it and told you to go away and you still didn't, so I had to stop speaking to you. Even then, you still kept tabs on my life.

I deleted your Mum and Kain, so you couldn't stalk my facebook anymore and now you have your own and you go and add Mel. That's fine, you were friends, I'm cool with that.

But then you find the photo of me and her on her page and fucking comment on it about how good looking I am.



You are with someone else, you have BEEN with someone else for the past 3, almost 4, years. As far as I know you have at least one child with this person, possibly more, so why oh why are you still playing these bullshit games with me?

I know what you are doing. You don't have the balls to add me yourself and you can't stalk me unless you do, so you just do it through Mel. Then you post something that you KNOW will piss me off and get a response, you KNOW it you fucking bastard, so you get me to contact you.

Well think again champ.

Don't get me wrong, my initial reaction- apart from wanting to simultaneously be sick and punch something *ridiculously* hard- was to email you and tell you exactly what I thought of you- but I resisted.

Coz see, then you win. You get me back in your life, paying attention to you and thus begins round 5000 of your bullshit. You just can't leave it alone, can you? You can't bear that I am living my life away from you and you aren't a part of it.

Which is completely and utterly retarded given that that is what you wanted!! I know that it stems from your core belief that you aren't worth anything and don't deserve to be happy, but the outcome technically is the same- you pushed me away, you broke up with me, you BROKE ME because it was the only way you knew how to deal with what you felt.

You loved me, therefore you had to fuck it up beyond repair. And you did a damn good job, I must say. I am irrevocably damaged by what you did and I can never forgive you- particularly with the kids thing.

But I can't seem to get over it either. Whenever things seem to be chugging along nicely you pop up and fuck with my head again. I swear you have some kind of radar tuned to my contentment.

And I get it. You're miserable. She's pathetic and an idiot and you have no life but guess what- that is YOUR FAULT. That was YOUR DECISION, so leave ME the fuck out of it!!

I am so sick of this never ending cycle of drama and pain and bullshit. When will it end, WHEN, that is what I want to know.

Goddess this is so fucking stupid. I have been mulling it over for the past 5 hours....and 4 years...

Why am I not over you already? Why do you still have this effect on me?!

This is one of the many things I have been thinking about since I saw what you had done, wanna hear the rest?

- Why is it only you who can fuck with me head like this- STILL?

-Is this why I dreamt of you the other night?

-Is this crazy connection and tie that we have ever going to go away?

-Is this all the result of the sex thing? Is that why I just can't deal whenever I see/think/hear from you?

-I should never have slept with you. That was officially the stupidest thing I have ever done- although flying back to see you only to discover that you had been lying to me for 8 months was a close second.

- Why do you still care enough to fuck with me like this? Don't pretend that you don't know, you do, you always did. You knew every single time. You knew it would hurt me and yet you still did it.

-Why start back up again? You managed to leave me alone for like a whole year, so why bother popping back up again? You know I'm overseas, so what's the point?

-Have you broken up with her, is that it?

-Why, when this occurred to me earlier today was a part of me secretly happy?

-You are bad for me, why the fuck can't my stupid heart understand that??

I am officially going insane.


heart - break

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