DISCLAIMER: This is my other random rant for the day and it's about porn. If you have a moral or religious objection, I suggest you skip ahead.

Dear males of the world,

I have some things to say about porn. No, despite what you might think, this is not a judgement thing about the objectification of women blah blah. As far as I'm concerned, it's a job like anything else, I wouldn't do it, but then again I'd never be a lawyer or a primary school teacher either, it's just not my bag.

My issue is with the movies themselves and the fact that they are so obviously geared towards men. Yes, I know, that is the main audience, but come on (no pun intended), girls watch it too! I know lots of girls who do and more who would, except that it's so obviously for a male market as to completely turn you off.

First off, the music, WHO finds that sexy?!

.....

Exactly!

I can't handle anything with music, it is just so stupidly cheesy I can't help but start laughing. It doesn't get me in the mood, it just gives me the giggles.

Secondly, it's formulaic. Yes, I know, there is a finite number of acts to be performed-legally anyway, but at the same time I would say that 90% of what I have seen in terms of male/female porn ends with the guy shooting in the girl's face. And ALL of the women wear the same clothes (halter tops/dresses and denim skirts- is that the secret porn uniform?) and keep their high heeled slut shoes on- wtf? What is with that??

I've never done anything with anyone with heels on- it's uncomfortable and with my level of flex somewhat dangerous as you have no idea with that foot could end up!

Thirdly, so much of it really is violent or degrading. And I know some people are into violence, but generally it's just guys being total fucking jerks rather than actual bondage or anything hot (if you like that sort of thing *innocent face*).

Similarly, it's almost only ever the guy who seems to be enjoying it. This may sound stupid, but seriously, most times the women are just like furniture...or little girls (gross). The guys always cum, ALWAYS, the women, not so much.

But then again this makes sense as the girls are always hot, while the guys are GROSS! I have never in my life seen a guy in a porn situation that I would ever touch with a 10 foot pole (even if they weren't a porn star).

So seriously guys, if you want women to watch porn with you, or you want to make porn women will like, here are some pointers:

-Ditch the music. It really is laughable. Besides hearing responses is part of what makes it hot.

-Rough is usually fine-and hot for some- but just being a dick makes most women feel uncomfortable, even if they are just watching it. Hell most of us watch it or experience it most days, we don't need it sexually as well.

-Little girl stuff is creepy (unless you know for a fact they are into that). Sexual abuse by fathers is unfortunately more common than you might think so the 'Who's your daddy?' thing can only ever be used ironically.

-Ditch the cum in the face shots, or at least mix it up a little, it gets boring.

-See if you can find something where the girl seems vaguely into it, rather than just a living blow up doll. Trust me, watching another girl come (or pretend to come) is a turn on, even if you're straight, because it makes you remember what it feels like (or at least this is what my unofficial poll results appear to indicate).

Coz here is the big secret: guys like porn, their sexual response is almost entirely visual, but guess what- WOMEN HAVE THAT TOO. There is a whole bunch of other shit that goes into it, related to memory and the limbic system, but women respond to visual stimuli in a nearly identical way- we watch someone having a good time, we think about having a good time, we WANT to have a good time.

Simples.

So yes, don't think that women hate porn, because that is not necessarily the case. I'm utterly serious, you have only to look at the utter DROVES of women who read erotic fiction (coz the guys aren't jerks in the books!). Lots of girls don't watch it due to the aforementioned points, or embarassment, but if they saw something nice, possibly with a technique vaguely approaching real life you could try out, who knows? Remember, fortune favours the brave! And maybe you might just land yourself a little freak who will show you THEIR collection...

Good luck!

-Me

heart - break