DISCLAIMER: The following contents may be graphic in a medical sense, but it's my fucking diary, so if you don't want to deal with it, or gynaecological issues make you squeamish, I suggest you skip ahead.
So, I had my pap smear today. And it was HORRIFIC. Worst than the first one I swear and I just... just...arrrgh! I was just so nervous and trying desperately to tell myself that my treatment has progressed, it won't be that bad, it won't be that bad, it won't be that bad.
It was BAD.
And I just wanted to cry. It hurt so fucking much and she was such an arsehole about it, she didn't warn me she was going to put it in, she just shoved it in- no lube either.
Now, as you may remember, I have a really fuck off high pain threshold, it takes a lot for me to whinge, but on a pain scale of 1-10, I was at about a 12, gritting my teeth, trying not to scream and then in the middle of the agony and horror she is like 'Mhmm there's some discharge' and THEN tries to intimate that I might have an STI.
I was just like FUCK. OFF.
Aside from the fact that I am asymptomatic- because some actually often ARE asymptomatic- here is a list of the reasons why that is highly fucking unlikely:
a) I haven't had sex for FOUR YEARS (which she would know if she had actually bothered to ask about my sexual history). Not only that, I haven't even had any sexual contact for over a year! (since Scottish Boy)
Then she backtracks and is like "Oh it wasn't offensive or anything" and I'm just like 'Seriously? You just tell me in the middle of a ridiculously horrendous procedure, which was clearly KILLING ME about something random, which could be anything or most likely NOTHING, when you could have waited until afterwards and now you're saying I shouldn't be worried, you weren't offended?!'
I get it, chlamydia is ridiculously common, and the symptoms include abnormal discharge and pelvic discomfort- but it wasn't abnormal, it was just post menstruation dregs and more importantly fucking LISTEN to me when I tell you that I have a medical fucking condition and that, combined with your shit technique is what made it painful, not a fucking STI.
But when I told her about the vaginismus she looked at me like I was a nutcase. It's a real disease, (with doctors and medicine and everything) why the fuck would I make that up? Look in my goddamn file if you don't believe me!
And that right there is why I spend my days thinking 'What's the point?' if the fucking medical profession are that unsupportive, it just honestly feels like a lost cause.
And, the worst part is that it feels like all of my goddamned work has been for nothing. NOTHING! What she doesn't understand is that with that one shitty experience she has set me back at least 6 months. My muscles are like See, it does fucking hurt, just like we told you, that's why we don't like it and now I'm back to motherfucking square 1.
AARRRGGGHHH I am so frustrated!!!
And I am just so upset. I was doing so well I thought, but no, penetration equals utter excruciating agony as per goddamn usual. Fuck fuck fuck! Oh that's right, I can't.
I just want to cry and scream at you, because this is all your fault!! You should be here, helping me through this shit, but no, I have to go through it alone.
And I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that.