Dear Gallus,

So something else happened later that day that I haven't had time to write about yet. My friend came down from Liverpool and we went to a party and then on the way home she just- somewhat randomly- announced that she "just wasn't built for sex."

I was like 'In what way?' as she has hands down the most rocking body of anyone I know, so I knew numerous males who would disagree (which I said) and she went on to explain that while she has had a series of relationships, she has never ever enjoyed sex and has realised that she is asexual.

And I was like 'huh?' and asked a whole bunch of questions, like if something happened etc. and she said no, it's just the way that she is and explained that it is like a fourth option in regards to sexuality and she then asked me to go and read about it so I could better understand.

So I went to this site (which is amazing btw) http://www.asexuality.org/ and spent most of the evening fascinated- and that was just the articles.

See but there is more to the story. Given that my friend had shared with me, I felt I should share with her and she listened and then asked ME a bunch of questions but mostly listened and at the end she said "That really sucks. I'm not going to be one of those people who is really annoying and just pretends like you just need to find the right person, because the truth is that it is just shit and must be really hard for you. I get it."

It felt really good to tell her, but that's not what I wanted to talk about. She told me about how there are all these sites, like anti-dating sites essentially for non sexual relationships and her solution was for me to go down that path.

At the time my initial response was But that's not what I want, I don't just want a glorified friend with hand-holding (especially since I hate holding hands unless I am naked and doing something sexual), I want a proper relationship with all the bells and sexual whistles, I just don't know if I can.

But then last night I went on the AVEN discussion boards- again for my friend, to try and understand what she's going through- and people were talking about how much they like to just cuddle and I was like Oh yeaaaahhh. Damn I miss that.

And then I read the scariest thing- there were all of these people talking about how they were in relationships before but they got broken and were still not over it after various lengths of time, (mostly longer than you and I) and then there was one person who mentioned that she had been able to be sexual with her ex, but after that, never again. She's NEVER been able to feel that again.

And I FREAKED OUT. Particularly given this entry http://comebacktome.diaryland.com/100927_67.html I wrote to you a little while ago.

Is that it? Have I been blaming everything on the fucked up muscle stuff and completely missed that I am actually just not really made for a sexual relationship as my friend said?

I didn't actually think I could get any more fucked up. But apparently I was wrong.

Maybe I should just give up and join the asexual movement, confining myself to a platonic life for the rest of my days...at least then I could get cuddles right?

I am so confused right now :(

-Me

heart - break