Like a mouse on a wheel 2 (2011-10-04)

Dear Gallus,

I have been dreaming of you again. This is irritating me. I guess the only good thing is that whenever I do, I wake up because it just feels so wrong/weird. I honestly don't think I could ever be more than friends, more because I could never trust you as blindly as I used to.

At the same time, I can't see myself ever trusting anyone else either.

It's part of my treatment that I have to try and imagine certain situations, prepare myself and my muscles and just the thought of having someone on top/over me freaks me right the fuck out. Just the IDEA freaks me out. How the fuck will I ever be able to do this in practise?

Goddess, sometimes I just feel like this situation is so hopeless. This is why I just avoid getting anywhere near it. I keep having other guys flirt with me, but I always shut it down, I'm just so paranoid about what happens next.

Like I can talk the talk and flirt and chit-chat and whatever, but as soon as someone wants me to take my clothes off, all bets are off and I cannot get out of there fast enough.

Which is ironic given that I never had any problems with that with you. I didn't even blink. I guess I was just so wrapped up in the moment/s and so goddamn turned on, I didn't even have time to stress. Which is kinda funny given that it was all new and scary and yet I wasn't anywhere near as terrified as I am now that I know what to expect.

I am so fucked up.


heart - break

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