Dear Sam,

So I'm sorry I didn't write to you sooner, but I only just found out last night.

And the weirdest thing was, I saw the words coming out of her mouth and I knew they were true (because really, who would joke about that?) but at the same time, it was like I was hearing it through glass and I don't know, maybe a foot of water.

I feel like that scene in Looking For Alibrandi...it's just so strange...it just doesn't make any damn sense.

And, I'll be honest, I just don't really understand (apparently this is the recurring theme for everyone, so I am not alone).

My heart is breaking at the thought that things were that bad for you that you couldn't even see all the people who love(d) you, who would mourn you and think of you all the time, even now, more than a year later.

And god, I was a mere blip on the radar screen of your life, so I can't even think of what this must be like for the people who knew you well. Or thought they did.

Things I will remember about you:

- Your voice, which was truly beautiful.

-Your wry, dark, sometimes caustic sense of humour, which was rarely unleashed, but always absolutely perfect in it's timing when it was.

-You looking at me funny and saying something weird (I can't remember the exact words, which I am really mad about) along the lines of that I was a lot smarter than other people, but in an interesting, cool way and you admired that.

-You once kinda half intimating that I had an awesome body and you would be up for some casual sex if I was (I wasn't, sorry).

-Telling this to my friend whom you once dated who then told me I should go for it, because you were great in bed.

-The last time I saw you. You wearing a Goodies T-shirt and working behind the bar at this concert thing and Mel launched over the bar and literally tried to take it off your back.

And of course, now I will also remember that you were the guy everyone liked and thought was cool who killed himself completely out of the blue, because you thought your life meant nothing.

But if you're reading this (in a a metaphysical sense, obviously), I hope you know, your life meant something to me.

I'm sorry you couldn't see all the other people who felt the same.

-Me

heart - break