Clearly I am not cut out to date. Ever. (2011-12-10)

Dear Readers,

So I went and did something I kinda sorta swore I would never do again, which I am frankly embarrassed to have out on the internet (although Miss Aryssa expect an email on it) but the upshot is that I now have a quasi date on Sunday


Which is STUPID and I know that it is, because hell, I'm not even sure I like the guy or if he likes me 'like that' (hence the quasi) and so I said yes and gave him my number and set it all up via text today and ever since have been fighting off the incessant urge to have a complete meltdown and dissolve into a puddle of anxiety.

This is STUPID, I know that it is, but all I can think is 'What the hell have I done?!'. I must stress that this guy seems very nice and normal- if perhaps a bit serious for my liking and I suspect nowhere near my wavelength- he keeps explaining his pop culture references which is completely unnecessary for instance- but definitely nothing that should be raising alarm bells.

*sigh* I think the problem is that I am horrendously rusty, I haven't been on a date in literally years (hook ups don't count) and even then, I didn't go on that many. Ironically this is partially what informed my decision in saying yes- I figured he would be a nice test run- DON'T JUDGE ME!!

I have an anxiety disorder and I think it is becoming increasingly clear that I made the right choice because if I'm this spaz about a quasi I'm not even really interested in, goddess knows what I would be like with actual feelings at stake! Hence, I figured a quasi would be a safer option, low risk, low stress.

Except it's not really like that and I still feel like I want to cancel, not because I have a bad vibe, but just because I am so damn on edge I feel like I might have a panic attack.

Aaaarrrgh get a grip CBTM, it's coffee, not a marriage contract!!

I just don't know if I can do this, I don't think my poor broken twisted little soul can handle it :/


heart - break

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