No Mans Land (6.2.2012)

Dear Gallus,

I haven't written to you in ages, but I have been thinking of you a lot lately.

This is dangerous, I know, but I can't seem to help it.

Fossy thinks it's normal and tells me that she sometimes does the same thing- as in not thinks of you, but rather ends up thinking about/dreaming about the anti-christ as someone who fucked with her head- whenever her brain is trying to process stuff.

I am house hunting and car hunting and stressed as hell. I am over my job and the cliquey BS that belongs back in highschool, not a workplace.

And I miss kissing. Both in general and with you. I miss that I could just go apeshit on your body with complete trust that I could put the brakes on whenever I wanted, no questions, no recriminations.

I miss getting turned on. I have just had this run of 'smeh' and miss the 'HOLYFUCKGODDAMNFUCKME' of real passion.

But I need the trust and nobody can seem to be bothered trying to earn it, which fucking sucks.

I wish I could have you here right now, just to make out for 3 hrs like we used to. And then have another run at the whole sex thing....although ironically while you were the only person for a long long time who I could even contemplate that with, you hurt me so badly, now I don't think I could even go through with it, I would be much too anxious and stressed.

Which pretty much leaves me nowhere. As usual.



heart - break

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