Whatever (2012-04-30)

Dear Readers,

I'm feeling a tad demotivated at the moment. Perhaps it's just the overwhelming sense that I have completely over-committed myself and bitten off way more than I can reasonably chew. Perhaps it's the loneliness that seems to have finally caught up with me in this new city of mine. Or maybe it's simple hormones, but I just feel really discombobulated right now.

I have a massive list of shit to do and I just can't muster up the energy to even be bothered to care. I am letting a whole bunch of shit slide and just watching it pass me by- this is not like me.

And I can't seem to make a decision to save myself, which is kinda pissing me off. Now this in and of itself is not unusual, I do like to agonise like fuck over things- I am Libran after all. The issue is that normally as a deadline or what not looms I tend to get my shit together and my choice becomes quite clear to me. This is not happening right now. I am just going around and around in circles and even worse CHANGING MY MIND. Arrgh! I hate that!

Not as much as I hate this whole letting shit slide bizzo though. I shudder to even write the words, but I think I am becoming lazy. Ugh! That is one trait that I truly detest, I can't stand it when people bitch about shit, but don't get off their arse to do something about it because they can't be bothered. And now I'm becoming one of them. Sigh.

Classic example- I am currently overweight for my height, not by heaps, but a couple of kilos. But did I go to my dance class on Saturday? Nope! I did go for a 4km powerwalk, but not the same. I know that I need to do my pilates, but do I? Nope!

My shoulder is fucked and I paid a large chunk of money to see a physio about it. Have I done what he recommended? Nope!

I have an opportunity to organise a signed stories group, but have I gotten off my arse to write my proposal, as I said I would 6 WEEKS AGO? Nope!

I was meant to put in something to the real estate that is actually kind of important, have I done this? Nope!

I am broke, so I know that I need to get my shit back together financially, but does that stop me from buying random shit online? Nope!

I am normally the person who is always on the go, always moving forward and striving for something more/better, but my ever present drive and motivation seems to have deserted me. Reading back over this it seems like I have some kind of low grade depression going, but I'm not quite sure why or what that is about.

The only good part of this is that things didn't pan out with the boy, but I don't actually even really care. My world is beige at the moment and even things that would normally upset me, pretty much result in a 'smeh' and a shrug. Whatever.

I need to snap out of this, but I'm not sure how exactly, because I'm not even sure what's wrong and what's causing it.

Smeh. Life is bullshit.


heart - break

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