The world is a fucked up place (2012-08-04)

Dear Readers,

I had an absolutely horrific couple of days at work which I cannot talk about on the internet, suffice to say it touched a big big nerve with me.

Some people should not have children.

And I have to continue to "support" one of these people for the next few months and I honestly just don't know how I am going to be able to manage that because the whole situation is just so fucking disgusting and abhorrent it makes me want to puke and/or punch someone in the face.

And it's made me cranky and agitated for the last few days. I also had a shitty physio appt today and then got stuck in horrendous traffic where I honestly thought a car was going to get hit by a train, just because they are a moron who couldn't dare wait 5 minutes. They didn't, but only because they actually ended up jumping the tracks and going in to the oncoming traffic lane. (There was a cop right there, so I hope like hell they got a damn stern talking to)

And I just can't shake this skin crawling feeling. I think that was partially what made the physio appt so shitty, I was in pain and overly sensitive and he released some of the muscles in my shoulder and as my old psych used to say 'The issues are in the tissues' so I think a whole bunch of other stuff came up too. That and he was being a douche and kept trying to joke off my very real physical agony, which was just not the thing to do at that point.

Thus here I am at 1am, still mulling over all of this shit inside my head, listening to Keaton Henson and trying not to break down into animal like howling sobs.

I'm thinking maybe I should go to a dance class or something this weekend. I probably shouldn't from a physical standpoint, but my soul feels so fucking broken I honestly don't give a shit. Or maybe yoga...I dunno, something! I am on the verge of losing my shit here and I need to keep it together because on Monday I have to go back in there and deal with it all over again.

Goddess, I don't even know how the hell I am going to be able to do that at this point.

And it's moments like this that I really fucking hate being single. I would give my right fucking arm for some support and a cuddle right now. Just someone to share this with so I don't have to hold onto all of it by myself. Hell, even just someone for a night, just to lose myself in someone else's skin and feel something else than what I am feeling right now.

But of course I want that from one particular Boy and as I'm coming to realise, he just doesn't seem to have the space for me in his head/life. Whenever we see each other it's all fabulous, but as soon as I am not in the physical vicinity, it's like I drop off his radar and he forgets that I even exist.

And I get it. I don't even blame him for it, I've been there, in that intense academic hell where you can barely remember your own name, let alone anyone else's. I get it, but it still fucking sucks.

I want to talk to him, I want him to hold me and make me forget, even for a minute. But unfortunately I also want him to want that too and I just don't think he's in the space to do that right now.

Which pretty much leaves me nowhere because my damn pride means I can't actually put my feelings on the line and yet I can't bring myself to walk away either.

Oh hell, I just don't even know what to do anymore.


heart - break

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