Lost cause? (2012-09-27)

Dear Readers,

Where to begin?

I guess with the fact that the party went fine, except that I spent the ENTIRE TIME talking to him and according to my friend (whom I ignored for 3 hours, oops) people noticed.

This was perhaps because he ignored everyone too. Thank christ bitchface wasn't there, she definitely would have cracked the shits.

As per usual when we spend time together, we had this really intense, personal conversation that just totally blew my mind. I can't possibly write it all out, suffice to say that I was way off base.


And when I found out what had really been going on I felt awful, because I had absolutely no idea what he's been going through, the poor guy. And then I felt even worse because I had been cursing his name to the skies and it turns out, he is one of the small percentage of people who disappear for a legitimate reason. Like a truly, completely understandable, genuine shitstorm of crap and stress that he's been trying to deal with, pretty much on his own.

I cannot stress this enough- this would have broken most people and it's a miracle he's even standing. I was simultaneously impressed AND empathetic, which doesn't happen all that often, I can tell you.

So what's the problem?

Well, as my psychic aunty told me right from the start (damn her!) he's just not in the game right now. Like at ALL. For instance, I have lost 5kg since he last saw me and I was told by several people that I looked hot, but he didn't even notice! At the same time, he didn't even so much as look in another girl's direction either.

And while this social hiatus is for a legitimate reason, I'm not sure how long term it is, which sort of leaves me in a bit of a conundrum.

I can continue with this whole "friendship" dance we've been doing e.g we seem to like eachother and everyone knows it, but neither of us does anything about it. But I worry that this will mean that I am friend zoned for good.

Alternatively I can try to embrace the friendship concept for real and give up on anything else as an impossibility.

And behind door number 3 I can give up on him altogether, delete his number, delete him from FB and just not worry about it. If I see him, be polite, but write him off in terms of being more than an acquaintance that I might occasionally see at a party every so often.

While I would like to think I am strong enough for door 3, I know that I am not and honestly the connection is too fucking crazy to possibly ignore when I did see him. Plus, he did refer to me several times as his friend, rather than Joel's, so I am past the 'you're just someone I know through some other people' stage.

So yes, it's between 1 and 2 and I have no idea what to do. Or, more accurately, how realistic either possibility really is.

I think either way, I really need to work on my expectations of him and this situation. Like the whole him being shit with his phone thing is not going to be resolved any time soon and I need to not take that so fucking personally all the time.

He's not trying to ignore me. I haven't done anything wrong. He's not actually meaning to be an arsehole- and in fact felt really bad when this was suggested by my friend. Now that I come to think of it, he also described that he knows that he is "not available" for people and he doesn't want people to think it's because he's an arsehole, that's why he's trying to talk more about stuff.


The more I spend time with him, the more he impresses me and the more that I like him. The thing is, I just wish it wasn't so fucking difficult all of the time and part of me wonders if the whole thing is just a lost cause.

Any advice? I'm all ears!


heart - break

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