Dear readers,

I am currently meant to be writing two different job applications, but obviously I'm procrastinating instead. The beige has sort of been back a bit this week, although this may just be my standard birthday related depression.

I'm not depressed about getting older so much as the inevitability of people letting me down. Normally I don't care so much, I know that people suck and are generally unreliable, but my birthday is the one time when I get selfish and actually expect them to not fuck up. Unfortunately, they still do and therefore I end up disappointed and disillusioned with life.

I am massively behind on my dissertation which kind of worries me a bit. And despite the fact I haven't been that busy I have been dicking around at work and been generally unproductive, so I got a bit behind last week, although I stayed late on Thursday and have a paperwork day tomorrow to catch up. Smeh. I just can't be bothered right now.

And I'm worried about the Boy, but don't want to look like a crazy person and just call him out of the blue.

And I'm worried about my best friend and what's going on with her marriage and the fact that she might not come to visit because of it. That's not just for selfish reasons coz i want to see her, but also because I think she really needs a time out and to get her head together and for someone to take care of her for a little bit while she does that.

And I won't lie, her marriage being in trouble does kind of freak me out, because they have 2 kids and I have no idea what she is going to do logistically, but also they were so crazy in love and really did seem perfect and they haven't even been married a year yet. Her finding someone who was so well suited gave me hope that there is someone for everyone and sometimes fate steps in and lends a hand (rather than just bitch slapping you with it, as in my case). And now, what? Everything really is just shit?

I know it's stupid, but it also makes me even more cautious with the Boy about not forcing things. My friend said to me the other day that I could make something happen if I really wanted it to and at the time I didn't see what she meant, but upon reflection, it could be done...dependent on him actually turning up & me not caring if I make a fool of myself. Thus unlikely, but technically possible nonetheless.

But I don't know that that is what I really want. Like I really like him & think he's kind of amazing, but goddess knows how that would translate in to real life. And I would have to deal with all of the dark scary stuff that makes me feel vulnerable and horrible and I HATE that.

And also, the big kicker that I have been thinking ever more increasingly recently- that it shouldn't be this damn hard. Seriously, it's just ridiculous.

So I'm gradually trying to wean myself off of obsessing about it and move on with my life. That includes putting in for that grant thing and writing these damn job applications and looking very seriously at what I need to do to possibly move to Canada.

Wish me luck!
- Me

heart - break