Dear readers,

So, I don't know what to tell you all, except that it wasn't what I was expecting. At all.

He was nervous, which was weird. And his house is absolutely incredible, like something out of a design magazine.

He, unfortunately, is a total fucking mess.

I really hadnt realised how bad things were, but I found out some stuff and it turns out it was much worse than I knew. But the real kicker is that he is so totally and utterly in denial about it all.

So I gave him the stuff and challenged him on a whole bunch of other things, which I think perhaps upset him a bit, because he's not great at confrontation, as it turns out.

He did apologise about the birthday thing and understood why and was sincere about it, but I had to bring it up. And while he felt bad, I did have to explain what had actually happened, because he didn't remember. (really)

And we talked about bitch face and he asked me about my dad, which got really dark and depressing and I don't know, I guess it was all just a little awkward really.

And for the first time, we didnt organise to see each other again.

Strangely enough, I think this is for the best.

He needs to get his shit together. And I need to not be there,hovering, trying to fix things. Coz that's not going to work for either of us.

So I guess that is the big news, we are just friends and for the first time I feel like that is all I want to be.

I'm attracted to broken things, because I want to kiss them and make it better, but you know what, all it does is drag me down and cause me stress and drama that I really don't need. So, I'm not doing it any more.

Don't get me wrong, if he contacted me and asked for help, I would do it, but as a friend and with no ulterior motive. Don't ask me when, but somewhere along the line I gave up on my need to make myself indispensable so that people want me. It's exhausting and it doesn't work, so why bother?

Thus, in a nutshell, it was awkward and intense and didn't go as well as I would have liked, however, I don't regret it, because it showed me the truth of the situation and has resulted in growth.

I can move on now. For real this time...although it does make me giggle as I had a very similar epiphany about gallus at the same sort of time of year several years ago. Just in time for the new year I guess.

Onwards and upwards my friends, onwards and upwards!

-me

heart - break