Dear Readers, (particular shouts out to the newbies, thanks for the notes!)

I am ashamed to have to write this, but I think I have officially backslid where The Boy is concerned. Damnitt! Why does he have to be so damn perfect, or perhaps more accurately, why am I so weak?

Sigh.

I've been trying, truly I have. But he keeps doing these incredibly cute things like downloading an app for me to play that he thinks I would like and googling things that I talk about so that he can ask me questions about it later and trying to find both of us in a Lego model and wanting a photo of me in front of 'The Love Boat' and sending me adorable texts at 10pm about Girls with a funny quote, comparing me to Shoshanna (who he thinks is really sweet).

Come on man, cut me a fucking break, how the hell am I meant to be heartless in the face of all that?!

And of course, I have had all of this contact and he keeps organising to see me again and the intensity hasn't really helped. I have seen him more in the last month then I have in the preceeding 6 months! Hell, he's sent me more texts in the last 5 weeks than in the entire year we have known each other.

And I just don't really get it. He's still funny about hugging me in front of other people and was nervous to meet some of my friends on Saturday and nothing has ever actually happened between us.

Yet at the same time, he agrees to go to things with me and sticks to me like glue and is making a really concerted effort to remember things and I found out on Saturday that he LISTENS TO ME ABOUT STUFF. (Yes, that deserves caps).

I have been super concerned, because it just seems like he is burying his head in the sand with all of the stuff that is going on and pushing me away and not wanting to even think about it and that is so fucking frustrating for me, because I can't just watch that kind of extreme denial without wanting to shake the shit out of someone and be like 'So, what are you going to DO about it?!?'

And it turns out, he has been listening. He watched this thing I told him about, which was really confronting for him, but he did it- hell, he even downloaded it, so he went to EFFORT to do it "Because you told me to" (direct quote).

He also called his uni to see if he could cut back this semester after a convo we had at coffee the other week, and while I know that I'm not the only person who said it to him, I seem to have been the one who got through.

And even stupid stuff, like I said that he should skype his best friend for her birthday and so now he is going to organise that. And now that I come to think of it, I said that he should talk to her about doing something else that he wanted to do for New Years, which he did. He *listens* to me. WTF is that about?

I feel like I am back in limbo again, which is ridiculous, because we are just friends, nothing has happened to change that, but...but...it's just the vibe has shifted. It's so much more intense and I feel like there's more to his behaviour, like he is trying to tell me something and I'm meant to understand what it all means, except I have NO IDEA.

We are just friends, but at the same time, it's like he's let me in and I am getting these glimpses of all of this stuff that he doesn't usually show people. There's this complete juxtaposition between the flirty/happy/cheeky/playfullness that we have probably 75% of the time and then this very deep, very emotional, very raw intensity that surfaces every so often. It's quite disconcerting.

It's not that I can't handle the 'dungeon' stuff, it's more that I don't know that it's my place to do so. And I also don't really get how the hell I have become that person and what that even means.

What does everyone else think? Is this intensity normal? Personally I've never had this before, it's either been all superficial and fun for ages and then deepened into something more over time; alternatively it's been intense from the start. But with him, it's both.

Like we don't actually really know eachother that well and yet, I think he talks more honestly with me than with his best friend that he's known for 26 years. So what does that make me? A confidant? A counsellor? A case manager?

I have absolutely no clue at the moment, but we're meeting again for coffee tomorrow...unfortunately I think that may just add to my befuzzled state.

Help me friends, I need help understanding this boy and this situation, because it's not turning out the way I expected. At all.

-Me

heart - break