Today was a Big Day. I had an appt with a Dr that a friend of mine recommended as being lovely and doing near painless pap smears. As I am currently overdue (but only by a few months), I thought, what the hey, if she's that good, maybe it will just be a 9/10 on the pain scale, rather than a 15. So after some rigmarole with a bitchy receptionist, I managed to nab an appt.
Inside my head, I also thought that I could maybe discuss some concerns I had about my hormone levels and some other weird shit, which may be hormones getting out of whack, or may just be my body breaking down piece by piece due to the extreme stress of the last few months.
So I booked a long appt, knowing that it would be expensive, but probably worth it.
Little did I know!
I was super nervous, but she was so so lovely and then she asked me what she could do for me and I explained that I needed to have a pap smear, but I have this condition blah blah, so they are painful. And she cocks her head to the side and asks about what treatment/s I have tried.
I was like err, fuckloads of psychology and various meditation/ relaxation methods. And she goes 'No no, I mean medical treatments. Like medicines and creams and things.'
Medical treatment? Bonafide medicines? Are you shitting me? I must have looked perplexed because she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world 'Well, you know there are a lot of options and treatments out there and they have a very high success rate. What I would like to do is...'
And then, the angel, she outlined a whole treatment plan for me. Just like that. Off the top of her head. Totally easy, bing bang boom, referral letter, action plan, SORTED.
And she asked me what I thought about that and how I felt with what she had suggested and I promptly burst into tears.
Seven- almost eight- years I have been dealing with this completely fucked up condition- not only the symptoms, but the emotional burden of having it and what that means. Dealing with the bullshit of doctors not knowing anything about it and treating me like I was a nut job hypochondriac.
Dealing with the fact that it was a significant factor in the breakdown of my relationship with Gallus and it will impact on every relationship I ever have- or try to have. Essentially avoiding relationships because of it. 7 years of trying to come to terms with the idea that I may not be able to have the children that I desperately desperately want, because it will make conceiving naturally borderline impossible.
And in 5 minutes, she completely tipped all of that on its head, with the simple truth that it might be fixable. EASILY FIXABLE no less.
And the mere thought, that this seemingly hopeless situation, that has caused me so much pain (emotional and physical) didn't have to be permanent, that I don't have to be broken forever....I don't even have the words.
I pretty much broke down and just wept- partially because I was just so overwhelmed, but mostly because I was relieved. I have been carrying this around for so damn long and had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this was the way it was always going to be and then this afternoon, something amazing happened- she gave me HOPE.
I haven't felt hope in so damn long that it took me a while to realise what the hell it was, but now it's there, like a little seed or bud, pulsing, growing, taking hold, taking shape.
It doesn't have to be like this forever.
I have options. Good options.
People are willing to help me fix this. People *want* to help me fix this.
I can do this. I can I can I can I CAN!
And then, even better, she said that I didn't need to have a pap smear today, it would be fine to wait until after the treatment- hooray!
And she organised some blood tests to check on things- she didn't treat me like a hypochondriac for suggesting them either- and she recommended that I see another doctor at the clinic who specialises in my condition (I'm seeing her next wednesday). And she gave me my referral letter for the specialist physio and recommended that I see her, because she can help.
I of course said thank you, but honestly it felt so small for what she actually did for me today. She treated me like a person, not a head case, she listened to me, and she sorted out a whole bunch of stuff, easy peasy. It's sad because that is what doctors should be like, but so few of them are. (She actually got mad about the fact that nobody had helped me or referred me for treatment before- bless her).
And then, the funniest part was, she only charged me for a short appt. She completely changed my life and gave me hope, (which is frankly nothing short of miraculous, akin to parting the red sea if you will) and she did it all in under 15 minutes! And if this works, I will be grateful until my dying day and definitely send her flowers.
Hope. Huh. Such a small thing, but powerful. And I intend to nurture the shit out of it until it turns into belief (I can I can I can I CAN!).